amalthya: (whingah)
Everyone wants love. They crave it. But where does it come from? Where does it go when it's gone?

What makes each one of us worthy of enjoying its brief glimmer, the sparkle that's a picnic in the park or a lap around the ice skating rink, hand-in-hand? Who decides when we're graced with the spark that lights us up in the dark, lifesaver-style?

Does love die over the course of years? Or does it die overnight? When will someone look at me like that again?

Why does it matter so much? I remember when he and I were younger, and nothing else mattered. When did I/we get so old?

How does one put the pieces back together? Or start again? Do you look for the same spark again, or a new spark? How important is laughter?

I can't help but feel sort of broken, and damaged, and inadequate. And sadly, I know that whatever words of solace I get won't be from the people from whom I most need them...

I guess I'll just disable comments... it'll be a mystery.
amalthya: (Default)
Wednesday 9:48 am

Woa, it's March! When did that happen? During my course of writing, I've been re-reading a lot of my journal entries from like, 1995 and 1996. And I realized that today is the 10 year anniversary of my first kiss! Funny!

I slept better last night than I have in a really long time. It's probably because, after seeing my sad mattress on the floor, Rita went and had the project get me a real bedframe, sheets and a blanket. Oh, and pillows! Previously I'd been using my monkey airplane neck pillow, given to me by [ profile] booksymagnifico, as my sole pillow.

And wow, having a bedframe is really underrated! Funny to think, but the chimpanzees were sleeping more luxuriously than I was before.
Yesterday, after I came back from the office, I was sitting out in the playfield as Etaito slept soundly, his face smushed into my tummy, snoring idly. I looked over and saw this bird, building a nest in the tree right outside the compound. The tree was vibrant, blooming flowers in this almost iridescent purple color.

And suddenly, Goma sort of... came alive to me. I'm not really sure how best to describe it, but I saw past the gray, harsh volcanic rocks and started noticing the living, breathing aspects.

I was like a Polly Pocket before, living in a a world that I perceived to be small, plastic and immutable. Me, walking in front of a blue screen showing some indeterminate locale, with the only part I identified as being "real" and "living" as me. It's a totally narcissistic viewpoint, but considering how many places I've seen, lived in, and stayed in the last 9 months I can certainly understand it.

There are so many concurrent flows of Goma, watching the various families of birds, little furry rodents and people, all trying to survive. I suddenly really liked Goma, and wondered how I would ever leave the chimpanzees. It all felt so real, and feeling the comfort and love of Etaito there, sleeping on my chest... this sounds horrible, and melodramatic, but I... I wasn't sure how I'd live without that. Would everything else feel second-best and ergo somehow meaningless afterwards?

The guy from the office came with the weekly food for the chimpanzees. Okeysha ran over to see what was going on and Etaito, who had slept through the entire entrance, suddenly awoke as he heard Okeysha doing the Food Call.

In the wild, if a chimpanzee or a group has found a particularly big fruit tree or something comparable, they will do this excited call, to alert other chimpanzees and probably also to let off some excitement from the find. It's a very tense time for wild chimpanzees, and, funnily, most of the males become erect with food-excitement.

A lot of times the excitement leads to fights in the wild. Bonobos, on the other hand, diffuse the excitement with sex.

Oh yes, food is an exciting time. Bonane and I went over to the fruit bag and were making the excited food calls. I even ate a banana between calls and god, it was just so much fun. Chimpanzees crawling all over me, calling back and forth to each other and to me, all of us eating bananas.

I'm really glad that Debby isn't coming until at least the 12th now.


amalthya: (Default)

November 2009

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