Nov. 8th, 2006 10:01 am
amalthya: (whingah)
She does not mean to be this brusque. She is stressed, and disappointed. That is her right. You took forever to make these changes.

Do not write mean emails while tired.
Do not write mean emails on 3 hours of sleep.
Do not threaten to delete her whole website.
Do not forget that you are on the same team - Team Chimp.
Do not be weird because you are tired and upset and scare people away.
Do not be as weak as you feel.
Go to class right now. It's 10:07 am and you can take the bus and not get wet.
Do not fall apart.
Do not.
amalthya: (sith)
Wednesday 3:54

Monsoon Rain + No Car = delayed departure.

Also, I got emails asking me why I feel the need to question myself after everything that I've accomplished... But the fact is, that part of me feels like I've failed.

I mean, this was the last hurdle. Carol gone, Rita gone, Delphine/Brad gone, Ben/Stuart gone... finally, after all my strutting and and parading and showing off all my personal growth, this last month was sort of like the graduation test.

And ... well... I failed. I mean, look at my recent entries? Or comics? Or worries? Or paranoias? Sure, not all of them have been public for all to read but honestly, I've become what I feared, a sort of caricature of my regular silly-neurotic self.

I mean, no wonder it's unappealing to others, because it's unappealing to me. Not having anyone to talk to? Relying on the internet for my social stimuli? It's getting to me, despite however strong or independent I've become.

I'm living inside my own head, so it's really unsurprising to think that I'm having trouble relating to others or having them relate to me.

Anyway, that's my rationalization. Now that the rain is letting up, I really do need to get back...
amalthya: (Jarry)
Wednesday 1:26 pm

Well, so much for the drive home back to Entebbe. Be prepared for:


Yes, that's right. I'm taking the bus back to Entebbe, and I think I'll head out the 20th of March and make the big trek on the 21st from Kisoro. It means I'll have about 3-4 days to go over everything with Liz, but with the handbook it shouldn't be too tough.

I'm sort of already checked-out in my brain... I can't really explain it. I also sort of feel the need to defend my insanity just by mentioning that I get to actually speak to other people maybe once every like, 3-4 days. Usually one can bounce ideas off others to gain perspective, but, well... I talk to myself in my off-line journal posts!

... No, that doesn't really solve it, does it?

I mean, if worse comes to worse, I can always pant-hoot at my friends back home. They'll understand, right? I also scheduled in my Lasertag MD homecoming, so check your email.

Anyway, it's time for me to be heading back to the Chateau. Food might even be in order too. I made another silly Insecure Girl comic, find it here

Real Life

Mar. 13th, 2006 02:41 am
amalthya: (whingah)

Give Us a Kiss
Originally uploaded by amalthya.
Monday 2:19 am

God, it's nearly 2:30 in the morning. I've drunk 5 cups of tea, spilled half a cup of tea on the floor and on my pajamas. I'm wired, feeling sort of drunk and demented all at once.

And the fact is, maybe I am going insane. Maybe it's because I'm nervous about going home, or nervous about trying to keep all my long-distance friendships alive and active.

But the fact is, I'm not even sure if I can maintain conversations anymore. I feel so far removed from, well, everything. I don't really have any idea what to say, or what's appropriate, or what's funny or makes me well-liked or disliked and I'm feeling totally lost.

Have I somehow "lost" it without even really realizing it?

I mean, crap, I feel like a paranoid demented asshole, but people even being away-from-keyboard suddenly makes me wonder whether I'm bad or other words I can't think of at 2 am.

Do people watch my videos? Or read my extensively long and verbose posts even if they don't comment? Why am I suddenly feeling like I'm dangling out in the breeze solo?

Or like everything is just so much more work. It still feels worth it, but I'm resenting what feels like an uphill climb. I'm almost... afraid... to come home?

I guess too that it's the feeling of impotence of being so limited in my modes of communication. When does one give up? One unanswered email? One week of no replies? Two times of no AIM replies?

Being bad at keeping in touch does not make someone a bad person, but how can you discern being bad at keeping in touch with not wanting to keep in touch.

I'm full of heavy caffeine, and my head is swirling. Feel free to disregard this post, that is, unless you're already disregarding it.


Entirely Unrelated Note:

Shege ate my deodorant today. They don't sell deodorant here. In addition to leprosy, I might become smelly. Which is worse?

Also, photos have been uploaded. Check Out:

Week Thirty Two Photoset

Week Thirty Three Photoset

Many Chimpanzee Videos


amalthya: (Default)

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