Turn Around

[amalthya]

It sometimes makes me ponder, living in New York again, whether perhaps New York does ugly things to people's psyches. Or perhaps there's some component, once one reaches a certain age, that entails superfluous introspection and self-doubt. I've never thought of myself as an unhappy person, even if I carry around shades of dark, but I have to admit to a higher percentage of malaise and unhappiness since I came back to the USA.

And why? This week has been an off-week. I've been hesitant to write about it, just because (gasping) it feels too personal for Livejournal, but my dad's health and its obvious decline has been extremely troubling to me. I don't know that anyone knows how often I think about it, or how much it upsets me. Including my own dad. Yet there's such a fine line when you're expressing concern for someone when it becomes pity, and it makes them feel bad or inadequate. Nevertheless, it's been haunting my thoughts.

Additionally, I've felt of late that I'm having to defend my choices across the board. I'm recognizing that indeed, some of these choices might not be universally approved. But this past week, that actually mattered to me. So much more than I would have ever let it previously. ...I was suddenly questioning everything about myself.

I've prided myself on a certain mode of behavior for a while. I appreciate my frankness, my easy laughter, and sure, my raunchiness. I started wondering this week if maybe it wasn't getting a little old. Or whether I wasn't getting a little old for it... That the things I really want aren't actually available to people who behave like I do. But can growing up really entail abandoning aspects of your personality that you've clung to over the years? Changing 180º? Being a different person? I actually considered making steps to becoming more lady-like, more demure, more girly.

It's all cyclical, but wondering if I should change made me think that perhaps the "me" that I am currently was somehow inadequate. (Maybe I should study more and circle-think less.) It was easy to wallow in the thought for a while. I actually felt ashamed for a day or two that I used flickr. I mean what the fuck?

I evaluated the things that were important to me, and realized that it's my experiences that have shaped who I am today. And my photography is a huge part of that. It has nothing to do with flickr itself. It has to do with me, and cataloguing my vast collection of absolutely incredible memories. I'm re-reading the entry with the year-long meme, and hot shit I've lived through some amazing things. And for that, I'm proud. I don't claim to know everything, or have all the answers, but to see how far I've come, and to remember how much I've seen, especially through the photos I've taken, makes me that much more sentient of the journey I've embarked upon.

Feeling at my absolute lowest, I talked to alexsirkman, and he and jlc had me come over to their apartment and play video games (including the Wii). I was aware that I've got SUCH a strong net here, regardless of my love or hate for the city itself. Not everyone has to think I'm fabulous, because the people that do lift my spirits and make me smile.


Takeaway message: Fuck off, haters. I shake my huge mane of hair in your general direction.