_New_ Year

[amalthya]

2006 was a huge year for me.

I think back to how I spent last New Year's Eve, in Kampala, with Eric and Julia, and how shortly afterward I made my trek into deepest darkest Congo. It was chaotic, and yet simple, peaceful and happy. Sure, I drank too much Primus beer from time to time, but it was never too outrageous because sheesh, it wasn't safe to be out at night in those beginning months! Most nights I went to bed early, and woke up before sunrise. I'd sometimes sit with the chimps as they woke up, sitting outside with Etaito as he pulled my tousled hair while Kanabiro peeked her head inside my too-big kitty pajamas.

There's no doubt that I was lonely -- god I was lonely. But in my recollections, I was happy. There was a security in knowing that I was alone by choice.

Since returning from Congo, and Uganda, my life has, let's face it, been a bit overwhelming. Not only did I suddenly have the new responsibility of school, but I was faced with personal relationships that carried goals, long-term expectations, and responsibilities of their own. I wasn't used to THAT at all! I guess I learned from Debby in the field, to love your friends intensely but to dissociate -- we're all travelers, and to mourn for missing friends is a waste of time because it would happen so often.

I'll admit too that it was tough for my easiest excuse to be gone -- "Sure she didn't invite me to ___ ... I'm in Africa." "Of course he doesn't want to go out with me, ... I'm in Africa."

The pain of disappointment is always the sharpest, and of course, my harshest critic is always myself.

I haven't handled it well, and this brings me around to my point. Sitting at the airport on Christmas Eve -- I was sad. I'm not talking purposefully sad (if such a thing even exists) but really, truly forlorn, feeling sorry for myself, and feeling... GUILTY? I guess the thing that eats at me is this credit I'm getting from people who knew me pre-Africa. I'm being toted for being so much more mature, interesting, and together/with-it/in control. [some of these, yes, are concepts I've explored before].

kinfae said:

amalthya, who seems to be making quite a hit in New York City these days, I have to say that you seem to have grown up quite a lot. Maybe you won't think I'm in the position to say this, but I remember watching you, as you watched me, through your destructive excesses and ways. We were all terrible then, and it's nice to know that people are always moving forward and going up through it. You seem to be doing great and fantastic things, loving well and decently, and I am pleased for you and to see these things from afar.

I feel wrong being credited with these accolades, because a lot of it is a lie. Even before I came back from Africa, my life was starting to become very messy. When I came back, my life continued to be very messy. I don't mean "messy" as a necessarily negative term, but I'm using it as a catch-all for complicated, issue-filled and out-of-my-control. I have not stopped self-destructing, nor living to excess. And having that "secret" -- that's really not one. I'm still love-starved/crazed. I still try too hard to keep friends who are obviously mine. I'm paranoid that no one likes me, or that they know that I'm a demented, manic girl who let one failed potential relationship mentally sabotage the second half of her semester?

...that is not the girl I want to be.

I realized too how gatsbys_regret felt after cutting A from his life -- because, after these last couple weeks of constant fighting, crying, and totally breaking down after discovering that he'd had a crush on this absolutely disgusting, ugly-on-the-inside girl several million months ago -- Mason may be a very good person, and I may love him a lot, but having him in my life at this point is painful. Unnecessarily painful.

I sat on the plane on Christmas Eve, wondering what I could do to get control back in my life. I remember being a happy person -- wasn't I? Maybe it's the harshness of New York, or the stress of too many credits, or __insert problem here___ but I feel that I've had more "down" days in the past 6 months.

You know it's a bad sign when you realize that your 27th birthday is on the horizon and you say "Wow, now I know why all those celebrities killed themselves at 27."

I want to be happy again, and I feel that I've assessed those things that make me happy and those things that don't. Here are some resolutions I toyed with and my final decisions for the New Year:

• Raw Food: Yes, the literature on it is ridiculous. Saving the "life force" of food -- the enzymes of salvation! But I've spoken with astralina who did it for a while, said she never felt better, cleaner, more focussed or healthier. Those are all things I'm striving for. So -- don't invite me out to dinner at a place that doesn't have a meat-free salad. Did I ever think I'd be one step PAST veganism? No. But I bet Professor Moyn would be proud.
  
  This goal is going really well thus far. I've recognized that there's a little bit of punishment/suffering in this resolution, so telling me that it's too extreme is not really useful. This is my fifth day on Raw Food, and I am already feeling good and fresh, even though I poop far too often for comfort at this point. My exception foods: one cup of hot tea every few days, beets and black olives.
  
  
• School Focus I'm taking a lot fewer credits this coming semester, so there's no excuse for me to not work harder. Sure, I may have managed to eek by with a 3.4 (B+) this past semester by sheer luck and stupidity, but that's still unacceptable.
  
  
• The Word "Like" Ellie was right. If I want to sound eloquent, using the word "like" to replace words like "says" or as a mental pause indicator makes me sound like a valley girl. And yes, using "like" in a simile phrase is acceptable. This resolution is also going well, although "like" sometimes slips out, I find that I am already using it one-tenth as much.
  
  
• Drinking It helps that most alcohol is not allowed under raw food, but since I'm not going to stop drinking full stop, I've allowed myself 2 glasses of red wine at any one occasion. I've literally spent the time since returning from Africa half-drunk. Or at least 1.5 drunk on Thursday nights. It's part of the "control" issue, and I'll do it for at least 6 months.
  
  
• Mason Mason and I are taking 12 giant steps backwards. We're going to stop talking regularly, although we've agreed to email if things are important, and try to maybe update one another once a week or so. We need to create our own lives that are separate for a little while, if only to ease the pain of separation.
  
  
• Physical Wellness I need to take time to be quiet, composed and stretching. So, I'm contemplating doing some yoga and/or pilates, and possibly taking a ballet class at Columbia. I used to love doing Yogilates with grysar in Maryland. I like feeling poised, and balanced.
  
  
• Music I realized during Christmas how much I missed singing and performing. It led me to realize that I wanted to do it more regularly, so I'll join at least one choir for the New Year. Right now, I'm plotting to join one with rosefox, which should be great fun!
  
  

Ideas that I toyed with:

Self-Enforced Celibacy Sex plays a huge role in my self-esteem. I worry constantly that, without it, my "appeal" might be lessened, or diminished, or... gone? But I realized that maybe that resolve was just part of my self-sabotage, and punishment. Or maybe I'm validating my choice to be un-celibate.
Maybe I'm just afraid that my fears would be realized. Either way, I'm chickening out, and backing down.
I'm still going off the pill for a little while, because it's making me crazy.

Well, that's basically all that I can think of. I should, of course, write more about my trips to Ohio, and Washington, PA, or reene and bannoubunkacoby's visit, or regyt's wonderful New Year's party. I will get to all of that eventually. But, right now, I have to pack and get ready to fly back to NYC. And wake Lauren up.

I am prepared for this to be a New Year.