amalthya

Big Happy Birthday wishes to my dad today. He's turning 70! Belated Happy Birthday also to my Aunt Margaret and to

woofa

It's been a crappy couple of weeks and I've been loathe to post because I really didn't want to chronicle my failures. "Hey, it's Laura! Taking time out of her schedule of already being behind to post some self-deprecating drivel! OMG, here's a meme!"

The cycle of shame consumed me, as I was perpetually behind and constantly owing somebody something.

This past weekend, I saw my dad for birthday bridge celebrations and he and I had a long talk about what my obligations were. We agreed that having enough time for this fantastic internship was important... I mean, they're putting me and the other intern on the website, and we might even get credit when the paper is written. That is -thrilling-.

But after going through the hours it takes me to do each class' assigment(s), class time, work time and internship time, I was clocking about 85 hours a week. I mean, no wonder I'm behind. Dammit.

Here I was at the boiling point, though. Why am I so prone to overcommit myself? And so quick to punish myself when I can't deliver? I really don't own enough spandex to be a superhero...

Anyway, everyone was breathing down my neck for late things, and I talked to my dean yesterday and he authorized me to drop two classes. Maybe three, but I need to talk to the third professor. I'm not sure yet.

Knowing that I was going to reduce my incredibly stressing workload was SUCH a relief. Last night, I stayed up just for fun. It's been ages since I did that.

Spring break starts next week, Adam and I are going away, and I just can't wait.

Now, it's classtime. Things feel better.

In an effort to feel like less of a failure at school right now, I've been trying to compile a list of things that is good and is keeping me motivated.

Also, I don't post less than you do,

blackiestark! We all know that that's not even possible!

I've been going to the gym very, very regularly. Even when it means going three days in a row. Instead of sitting at the computer, I'll drag my ample tush down to 92nd street and work out. I usually do cardio ~3 days a week and then on Wednesdays I do this incredibly difficult, upside-down, pretzel-twisting Vinyasha yoga class before chemistry class. I'm still not sure which one is more challenging.
I guess part of my motivation is that I'm going to that wedding in 2 weeks, but really, there's something very satisfying about it anyway. I'm sore today, and I love it. Besides, I can check my email on my phone! And Facebook!!

Oh, and funnily, last night a girl came in on her cell and was like "Yea, and I'm going to the gym instead of doing that paper that I have to write so I don't fail out of school!!" and I laughed, and somehow felt better. I may be a big booch failure, but I'm not alone.
I finally bit the bullet and got someone into my apartment to clean it and noranac is coming on Friday to help me unpack. Yay! Unpacking will be so nice, and not having to pull my clothes from inside a box will be such a change. When people go on a treasure hunt, they're usually not looking for clean underwear. ~~They're sometimes looking for dirty!~~ But it does definitely put an adventure-spin on things.
Seriously, though, when I came home last night to find my kitchen and bathroom and living room all shiny and clean, it rocked.
I'm going to a concert tonight! Schoolwork be damned! Pink Martini, at the Tilles Center. Yes, I could have seen them at Avery Fisher Hall but I prefer smaller venues. So we're going to Long Island, Adam, Micah, Alex and I. Woo! It should be fun.
I got this supercompetitive internship at the Museum of Natural History. I officially have a staff badge again, and secret elevator access, and employee cafeteria munchability, and more importantly, lovely science-type things to put on my CV. It's a fantastic opportunity, doing DNA analysis on polar mammals to test their changing fitness in a climate of global warming, and I just can't wait to dig in!
Does this mean I have less free time? Yea. But I'll parse through it all somehow.
Did I mention I'm going to Colombia (the country) in 10 days? Do you want a postcard? Comment here! (comments are screened)
Tell me something that makes you happy! Or a secret! It's Thursday, the week is almost over, and I'm trying to stave off my peaking anxiety.

I wanted to specifically thank everyone who commented on my last entry. Not only was it nice to know that I still had friends that care, but that other people who've made the reverse culture shock transition have gone through the same thing was somehow comforting.

Things have felt like drudgery, but since airing them out, I've at least felt more at peace. I got a LOT of work done over the weekend (though nowhere near what I wanted to/needed to get done) and arrived at class this morning, bright and early for the 8am-ness, only to discover that it was cancelled.

But I took it well, and since I aired out my strife, I've been handling the bumps a little better.

Some of my funny/previously stress-inducing vignettes:

On the train ride down to Maryland, in the packed train I sat down next to a lonely bag. I figured its owner was in the toilet, or on line at the cafe car. I didn't become alarmed until the train had already made its first stop in New Jersey, but when the Jerseyans entered the train, I let them know that the seat was, to my knowledge, taken.

This guy in the seat in front of me turned around and said "Stop lying you cunt! Just move your fucking bag and let him sit down"

Oooch! Seriously? I explained to him that it really wasn't my bag, and that I presumed someone to be sitting there, but the jock-face who was standing in the aisle moved the bag into the overhead and sat down. He was cranky too, complaining loudly to his (?) girlfriend on the phone that he was sitting "next to some bitch whose stuff was everywhere."

I tapped him on the shoulder and explained that No, really, it wasn't my bag, but he just got all huffy that I was "eavesdropping"

Finally, the conductor came by and I let him know about the ~~bomb~~ bag that had been in the seat next to me. He checked it, and saw that it was a crewmember's bag. The crewmember, a "sassy" woman came over and started to sass me when she thought I'd moved her bag.

But of course, I sold out the jerks sitting in front of me and next to me. And did she let them HAVE it! The other conductor started yelling at the guy next to me, saying that had the bag been a bomb, he would have endangered us all!

I felt very vindicated.

Also, I did not lose my wallet again.

On Saturday, I tried to boot up the newly-hard-drived laptop that I'd picked up at the Apple Store on Friday. The machine seemed to be working sort of okay on the train ride down. But on Saturday, it seemed to have forgotten that it HAD a hard drive.

Calls to Apple Technical Support were fruitless. (Remember when Apple had really great customer service and people in tech support who weren't just reading from a manual in an indiscernable accent?)

I called the store directly, looking for the guy who'd helped me before and who told me to call him if anything else went wrong. After having to pseudo-fight with the girl on the phone that insisted that Geniuses Were Not Allowed to Use the Phone, she put the guy on the phone, and he asked me nicely to come back to the Apple Store, and that this time they were going to replace my motherboard.

Why didn't they do that the last time, instead of just band-aiding it with another hard drive? Who really knows, but I made a point of saying that I have enough shit to do without having to pitch a tent in the Apple Store and live there indefinitely while they try every option that is not d) Replacing my Computer with one that actually works.

But I still laughed about it. My art was appreciated, too, but I didn't get to make any more:

Fat Brown Bear Fat Purple Dragon

Yes, they're both fat. And it makes them cuter.

I'm talking with the Chem Lab techs tonight. And, despite class being cancelled, I showed up at Swahili this morning ontime and with all of the work prepared and finished.

I also had an interview for an AWESOME internship that reinvigorated my faith in myself on Friday, as a genetics tech at the Museum of Natural History, studying changing genetic fitness in arctic mammals as a result of global warming. I think I nailed the interview, so we'll hope that that pans out.

Never can have too many good things on your resume.

Gotta go up front.

I'm not usually the first one to admit. I'd rather internalize it to the point of levels of anxiety so high I give myself a rash (see entries of last year).

But man, things have been TOUGH.

It didn't just start with last week, when I lost my wallet on an Amtrak train. Technicolor Orange 70s Amtrak Seats + Orange Wallet == No Wallet. I still haven't gotten replacement cards in the mail, which means my accounts are frozen. So, I have no money. And no credit cards.

I had to CRY to get a new Columbia ID so I could go to work (can't get into the building without it). It costs $20, and they seemed not to grasp the fact that no wallet == no $20.

The toughness didn't start two weeks ago either when my laptop's hard drive died... again... in the span of 5 weeks. Not only did the genius refuse to believe me at first when I said it was hard drive problems, but this is the SAME problem that happened with a DIFFERENT hard drive (same laptop) in the middle of December. They've just put (another) new hard drive in, and in my fear of putting everything back on there only to lose everything again has dissuaded me from going to pick it up.

The start of the toughness wasn't in the middle of January either, when my closing was moved a week later than previously scheduled, though the first closing date was already two weeks later than I wanted it. It meant that I had to move in RIGHT before school restarted, giving me almost no time at all to unpack and settle in before I was expected to "produce".

If I'm honest, the toughness has been happening, and growing, and building, and starting its 401K for a long time. Probably since I came back to the States forever ago, and tried to start up a normal life again.

Is this something that's even possible? Why is it that I found living an "extraordinary" life so easy and brilliant and exciting and yet still I am failing miserably at living this "plebeian" life?

Does having no motivation for school mean that I have no motivation (or talent) to be a good veterinarian?

I've never felt so much self-doubt, or fear, or fear of purpose, or cynicism in my life. It's like one is convinced through years of movie watching that things are supposed to be a certain way. That you have A, and all the oppositions and hardships facing the completion of A, and then, miraculously, C! Triumphing over the hardships of A!

In other words, if Phase 1 is "Collect Underpants," how DOES ONE MAKE A PROFIT?

I pride myself on being self-sufficient and capable of anything. I don't get sick that often, I don't use my failures as some sort of crutch or as an excuse for why I can't perform. Any obstacle I "should" be able to overcome.

But I've admitted to myself, this semester, this year, this time, that I'm failing. It's beyond my control at this point, because I resolutely said to myself at the beginning of this semester:

You will NOT skip classes, and not do work, and be unmotivated.

And yet still, here I am, behind, overwhelmed, overworked and feeling like I don't need any help undermining myself, because I'm doing such a bangup job of it myself.

Things will not pan out on their own. C will not fall into my lap (ie I will not get into veterinary school if I cannot will myself to do better in school). I am the master of my own destiny, but that thought alone is the most depressing of all at this point. Because if my life does not meet my own expectations, it's not ONLY MY FAULT, but it's practically expected. If everyone lived out their dreams and their passions, no one would be sweeping the floors, right?

I went to the Center for Psychological Services on campus to see if I could see someone about trying to find practical solutions to get me back on track. They have this ridiculously long process of an appointment for a phone interview, then an appointment for a person interview, and all the while I believed that it would lead into some sort of tangible, helpful therapy.

I saw the woman yesterday, and she dredged up a bunch of unpleasant memories while I, difficultly, acknowledged that I had lost control of the situation and wasn't sure what to do.

And then, she did nothing. She referred me to someone else, outside of the CPS network, and sent me on my way.

Further proof to me that I only have myself to rely on, really.

But really, I'm just tired of feeling like a failure. If I was taking a Self-Doubt class, I'd be getting an A. But everything else?

I got a small beacon of hope today when

noranac and

celestialmartyr agreed to come and drive my remaining stuff from my old place to my new place.

I'm not completely alone, but with regard to going forward? I don't know if I can do it.

And with that, work ends, and it's time for me to go to class

Things are moving forward, but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. I talked to a former Chapin girl over lunch last week and she expressed her urge to get into grad school, and how she loves her boyfriend but would be willing to cut him loose if he got in the way of her career goals.

It forces me to look at my life, and wonder if, as

pattiejoesurmised, I'm on some sort of errant path. I don't feel motivated at this point. I wouldn't be willing to give up my friends and especially Adam if they got in the way of things I want to do.

And yes, I struggle immensely with chemistry. But it doesn't cause me to want to work harder at it. I'm coasting, but toward what end I'm not sure.

I think I've been feeling particularly off my game since I moved. I'm sort of half-moved-in, half-unpacked, and, as Dan and Chris can attest, a good deal of my stuff is still at the other apartment. Adam and I intended to go and get it this past Sunday, but were deterred by the Freak-Out-Of-Nowhere blizzard.

But even worse is the fact that I haven't unpacked my shoes or bags, and 90% of my clothes are at one of THREE laundromats I've patronized during the past month, but I have nothing to put on my body, my feet or to schlep my shit.

And really, it makes it especially hard to feel settled, and centered, and study-ish.

Adam and I were productive this past weekend, though. We moved TVs, cable setups, and got everything reconnected and turned the couch. I still need to unpack tubs and put up shelves and find a place for all of the miscellaneous chatchkies I seem to accrue. What does one even do to store all of these things?

Is it the newly wintered weather that's causing my malaise? I'm finding it harder and harder to stick to time plans that I make for myself, and getting out of bed has never been so challenging. And I'm getting behind.

How do I thwart this perpetual snowball effect?

No snow puns intended, but I can't remember the last time I felt so adrift.

***EDIT: I should mention too that I managed to prevent myself from having a nervous breakdown last night when my laptop, whose hard drive was JUST replaced, started acting funny in a pre-death-rattle sort of way. I'm heading to the Genius Bar tonight, but it's just one more thing that I'd prefer not to have to deal with right now.

Work is going really well. I sort of forgot after all this time unemployed that you can really feel happy to be going to work and not be dragging your feet with anticipated misery. I know that this job will really have no bearing on any veterinary school applications that I submit, which is sort of sad, because I've found that examining the kinds of books that people are reading (and checking out/in) to be so illuminating! And honestly, it's making me long to read for fun again, a pasttime that my school obligations sadly leave little time for.

The last book I read for fun (during vacation) was a book I bought on a whim to read on the bus ride down to Maryland: "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" by Chuck Klosterman. I was really looking for an "easy" book, since concentrating on the bus is an easy recipe for nausea, and I never expected to enjoy it so much! It's a book that's biting and cynical, but really, I felt, speaks to people my age and older. I've found myself referencing it in conversation several times since, and I'm curious to know if anyone else has read it. So let me know!

But yes, no time for fun reading. In fact, sometime during my work hours today, I have to finish last week's lab and write up the pre-lab, due at 6 pm. I've only got 1 class between now and then, from 1:10 to 2:25 so I'm confident that I can finish it, but I've got a problem set due on Thursday, class tonight until 10pm, work tomorrow, and an aching feeling of being trapped in a prison of obligations.

And what's worse - despite my fervent desire to do well this semester, regain my position on the dean's list, and get into my top choice vet schools in several years' time, I'm still suffering from the same problems with going to class and feeling motivated to really push myself that extra mile. I find myself constantly distracted ... by housework, phonecalls, SVU, petting the kitties, taking a bath... really, anything. When I do finally sit down and commit to it, I can handle it, but especially with chemistry, where staying on top of work is essential, I find that my difficulty with the material makes me want to work on it LESS. It does not spur me to work harder, or go to more classes. In fact, the classes I do attend are literally painful to sit through. The teacher mumbles along, and I'm thrown a mix of things that are obvious and things that are impossible to grasp with the same flair of monotone chalk scribbling and I sit there, sort of comprehending, but knowing that if someone asked me to give a summary, I'd fail. This leaves learning up to me, at home, but again, with the will!

So I'm stuck. In the interim, of course, I've been exceling at work, but this is a pattern that I've discovered before. Feel bad and unsuccesful at school? Wow 'em at work! And then... slowly... leave...school. Which I'm not keen to do again. In my current plan, I will finish all my extra sciences by the time I am 30. Graduating college at 30. Could be worse, but in the perspective of all of the other things I want to do with my life...

Anyway, someone just dropped 25 books in the check-in slot, so I'm going to go and check 'em in. Maybe I'll write later.

A lot of people spent the early parts of January making posts about their New Year's Resolutions. They tacked on sentiments about the previous year, and regrets they had that they intended to amend in the coming year.

I intend to make no such post, because I feel like my 2007 speaks for itself. It was filled with intense happinesses (yes, plural) and a tremendous feeling of growth as I learned what, exactly, it was that I needed to maintain my levels of happiness.

My only real regret was that I was unable to be completely happy in what should have been perfect situations. It caused rifts that I fear are irreparable. But the loss that I feel at the lack of these people in my life is palpable. They cannot be replaced, but since I cannot offer them what they truly wanted, it is my loss to bear.

The new year has started on highs and lows.

High: I bought an apartment! A real one, on 133rd and Broadway. I was helped immensely by regyt, and while I'm still unpacking and have ever more furniture to buy and assemble, I feel more at home than I have in ages. I'm also watching kinfae's cats until March or so, and it's nice to have furry friends in the house again. I took rosefox's suggestions and bought the Furminator, and woa, does it loosen hairs! Watch out for kitties running away after being Furminated -- anything they rub up against will be furrier than they are.

High: I started a new job at Columbia library! I'm no longer a data slave in the basement; I have a proper job at the circulation desk, regular hours and when things are quiet, time to do my homework, etc. The biggest improvement is the niceness of my boss. She figured I'd balk at having to empty the collection bins and process the books inside. But it was STILL better than working in the basement!

Low: I've spent most of January being sick, and having a cough that wouldn't die. I finally went to the doctor two weeks ago and discovered that the whooping cough I had back in Uganda in 2005 compromised my lungs and, when I get a little sniffle, my lungs will almost certainly get infected and make it hard for me to breathe/not cough. That sucked to discover. But, I'm handling it alright. I did end up missing most of the first week of school which is really no way to start off, but I believe that with a little extra work, I can get back on my feet.

And really, there have been no other lows. I do miss socializing tremendously. I feel like I never see anyone (I don't) and since I have Swahili again at 8:30 am on Fridays, going to Montien is going to be difficult. I was too sick to go to Vericon, and too moving to go to Arisia. Perhaps Lunacon? Who all will be there?

I really think, though, that for a month at the beginning of a New Year that I'm remarkably lucky and doing incredibly well. I've missed about a gazillion years of Livejournal, so if you have any new news, please tell me or link me!

Or if you'd like to make plans, let's do it! Come and see my new house!

I think one of the worst feelings in the world is the feeling of losing faith in yourself. It's often so easy for me to be optimistic about myself and my abilities: I think about what I've accomplished and hurdles I've leaped over, and I believe that there is nothing I can't do.

But tonight, not only am I not going to Montien, but I will be attempting to complete the impossible. "Impossible" in the perspective that I have certain things that I must complete tonight that I cannot possibly actually finish.

The knowledge of this truth is terrifying, because I HAVE to finish these things. I must do it for myself, and for my academic future, and for my own knowledge that I am not the failure that I am perceived to be.

But I know, deep down, that I probably won't succeed.

Because the only thing I've succeeded in doing is getting sick. I am officially sick, sitting in the computer lab at school, struggling to work after having met with my advisor and spilt my guts/tears/frustrations.

If I do manage to do all of these things tonight, it will have to be from a horizontal position, IN bed, with sporadic napping and copious airborne/tea.

I'm going home. Cannot sit upright. Cannot sit with self.

I know livejournal is for whining, but while I wait for the final verdict on my apartment, I should share other news!

I've seen a couple movies lately. I know I wrote about Beowulf, but a bunch of us all went and saw The Golden Compass on Saturday (including

grysar ,

dshadow ,

kamalloy and Adam). Now, I know from the flist that others have despised it, even loathed it, but I gotta say: it was, at many times, enjoyable.

Firstly, the CG was AMAZING. With so many characters that were mostly graphical, I wasn't aware of any funny tennis-ball eye-ing, or lines around people riding giant bears. And I loved the depiction of the ice bears. Especially their little bear-hip-wiggle.

Acting was good! They seriously pulled out some A-list talent, and the girl playing Lyra was very enjoyable and believable, and Nicole Kidman's scary Barbie doll plasticity actually worked in her favor.

Loyalty to the book was good! In fact, I think it was _too_ good (see below)

They tried to pack EVERYTHING in! So that, to make a movie that fit into the timeframe, every line of dialogue had to be plot and exposition-laden.

"Hi, my name is Lyra. Did you know that I love the North, am precocious, love Ice Bears and will meet one very soon?"

"That's nice! I'm Billy Costa. I'm a ragamuffin and let's quickly discuss the gobblers because I'm about to get GOBBLED up!!"

Also, there were parts that were just downright BORING. They chose to keep pretty much all of the principle characters, so every 2 minutes, you're introduced to someone new and there's never time to actually get to know (or care) about any of them! Instead various deep character relations are just graced upon. Witch-snookering, Scoresby-knowing, Gypsy-dealings.

And what was with the gypsies anyway? It seemed like the only qualifier of a "Gyptian" was Copious Eyeliner. And I couldn't tell half of them apart.

I knew some things would be Hollywoodized. Of course Billy Costa wasn't going to die (onscreen). And most notably: I'd read previously that they filmed a new ending, despite having already shot the ending from the book. It was still shocking to see a cheesy sunset-end to the movie, but I sort of knew it was coming.

Supposedly, they will add that scene to the beginning of the next movie. Which... I guess... is right. If they make another movie. It does make me sad that people are saying the movie "tanked." I feel like it somehow disparages the books too.

Long story short -- I enjoyed it. The parts that were good were *really* good and swept me away. And the parts that were maddening or slow or maddeningly slow were still pretty to look at. The intercission scene was a traumatic for me as it had been in the book.

I wonder if I'd seen it with people who hated it more whether I'd have more to complain about but really, I might see it again and I'll definitely get the DVD.

I've done most of my Christmas shopping. It's funny, but I have gifts for people sitting around my house that I got so long ago, and I'm not really sure what to do with them. I'm keen to start celebrating Christmas properly. After having a dream about finding a Messiah score on the street, I think I need to go and sing it (which

rosefox and I plan to do on Friday after my exam!)

I have tons to do, and will probably pull another all nighter tonight. If I wonder why no one comments anymore, it's probably because I've become so depressing and overworked! Bah!

To prove that I am still fun, feel free to enjoy my winter wonderland, courtesy of Peter the Penguin. And, if you need even more Wintry Fun, there's also Ice Skating in Columbia, MD!

Now, off to festive E3B Departmental Fun and Food

I've gotten SO MUCH DONE today. I finished my presentation around 11:11, and

redmilkwood,

thegarlicbite,

astralina and Adam took a look at it and gave me excellent, helpful suggestions.

I got a bit woozy around 12:30, despite having just been flying the high of being finished. I'm guessing my body is giving up on me, based on the sudden resurgence of my itchy, itchy face.

You know that you're lost in a daze of sleep deprivation when:

a) you haven't been outside in nearly two days

and

b) you're not sure whether the medication that is firm in its mandate to "not take more than one a day" thinks that a day has, in fact, passed, because we are not so sure.

I'd desperately like to go and see

s00j and

catvalente tonight. We'll see how I feel after the giving of the presentation at 6. Bleh.

One more article to go. Come on, Laura. Come on.

I'm nearing the 24-hours-awake mark. I've got two more big articles that I really want to read before I finish my outline, but considering I've probably done more reading for this presentation than 90% of Thesis Candidates, I feel relatively safe. I'm out of Red Bull, I've used up about 1/2 tube of the Aveeno HCl cream, and I've had to surrender my ID twice just to pee.

Oh, and I'm only supposed to take one of these Benadryls every 24 hours, so I am trying not to itch.

I did get some blessed respite/catchup around 2:30 with

lauren_lief, who, it turns out, is also on a marathon session of presentation making and paper writing. I was chased from the 3rd floor computer lounge into the ground floor computer lounge, because, despite it being nigh to finals, Lerner is not yet 24-hour. The large quantity of people still here at 3:38am should convince them otherwise, but hell, I can't even use a toilet let alone a different computer.

Plugging away, plodding along.

I wonder what time the sunrise is today.

If ColumbiaCruelty.com wasn't already taken, I'd consider scooping it up and taking a photo of the computer lab on the 3rd floor right now -- full of tension, tiredness, and sporadic manic energy... you can tell that finals are coming because you can see them looming over the head of every student here.

And sadness, I missed this year's Blip Festival with school-busy-ness. I did revel in lots of Covox during work today, and realized that I can't cry _too_ much, because Covox wasn't even there this year anyway.

Nor was

infd. Heh. So we'll just have to make it up next year.

I went to the doctor today and discovered that my face isn't turning into the Human Rash from any mango I ate... or anything else for that matter, but that I have contact dermatitis most likely exacerbated by... stress.

Can you believe that? That I'm Sloth because of STRESS!?

It's so gross and sad all at once.
Edit: I should mention too that the doctor not-too-subtly slipped me a card with the Center for Psychological Services' number on it, telling me that I shouldn't work myself so hard.

In related news, I really have to get back to my work. I'll probably be at the computer lab all night tonight. But at least I'm armed with Benadryl and Aveeno and Red Bull (thanks

mikestuy!)

Current Music: Pandora

I've been once again in some sort of potentially-seasonal funk. I know I mocked this season I've called Fauxall (Faux Fall) for its mildness, but I'm reaping the repercussions now.

Cold? No leaves turning? What is this? No colors, no trees. I'm not even sure I'd know what the trees were doing unless I wandered into some park or another.

But yes, awash in mediocrity. I suddenly started to believe that I was destined for averageness. The French-grade thing hasn't been helping.

My slump was somewhat alleviated during my lesson with

elissaann today. One of the soloists for the Mahler is 22 years old, and suddenly made me feel old and wasted and non-solo material. Elissa told me that this wasn't true, and we're creating a plan to make me move forward. I sang Der Holle Rache again today, and felt supremely good while singing it. So I guess that's a good sign.

French test tomorrow, but I finally have a shirt to wear at Carnegie Hall on Friday. I'm hoping to have time to go to Aikido tomorrow night too, and what-not.

Ah, stress.

I am starting to loathe the word "ringle" almost as much as I despise the word "webinar". Who comes up with these stupid words? Isn't the dictionary fat enough? Do we really need to be running off, legitimizing VaJayJay?

I was prompted to look at my photos from fall of last year. I'm struck by how beautiful New York is in the early Winter, and how many interesting things I captured when I was participating in

mylife_onceaday. I really miss photo-documenting, and I wonder whether I can bear to lug my camera around for another year and actually make it the whole 365 days. I made it from October to March, but failed at the end of March.

Anyone feel like endeavoring to chronicle the next year more successfully with me? Other than

thegarlicbite. ;)

I might even tote my camera along too. *does a bicep curl* It'll be good for strength training!

I'm eager to start again, though, so that I can find the beauty of New York again. I'm finding that currently, it's wearing on me. I'm not getting any of the standard enjoyment of my friends or the nightlife (because of my no-going-out during the week policy) and I'm more often than not not on campus or hermitted in my house.

The city feels cold (and so do I) and I find myself unwilling to leave my house to do the simplest things. Even leaving my room feels like a chore. Maybe it's some sort of seasonal funk, but when I think about falls in other locales, they make me much happier. Maybe it's the lack of trees? Who'd have ever thought that my neighbourhood aesthetics would impact my mood so severely, but really, looking out into the grey sky and grey buildings and grey ______ through my window is so depressing.

I did enjoy sitting in the car yesterday and watch a leaf spinning like a top in the wind outside of Fred's parents' place. I needed to get away from my mess/exam/room last night, and Fred offered to come and stay over, so I ZipCarred it and picked him up in Queens. We also went and looked at

reverend_dave's share-apartment (Freddie had been thinking of moving there) in Green Point, Brooklyn. For anyone who doubts GreenPoint's up-and-comingness, I nearly ran over THREE emo-bespectacled no-helmet bike-riding hipsters in only three city blocks!
I think their patch-covered army canvas messenger bags threw them off balance.

It was nice to get out of everywhere and to drive, though I became stressed to discover that my tail-lights were completely out and non-functioning. What was worse was that the Zipcar girl gave me lip as though I was too retarded to turn on headlights. By the time we finally got home around 11pm, I was too tired and was near tears upon re-entering my room. Additionally, I hadn't eaten in 10 hours and felt nauseated. After ordering food, I lay on the bed while Fred collected all my dirty laundry from the floor and put it into a laundry bag, and collected all my trash into a trash bag. And teased me about my BO.

You know, I think I know what I should change my costume to: a PROCRASTINATION MONSTER. I've now managed to waste 4 hours. Doing... I'm not sure what.

But the week is almost over. AND I have NO CLASS next Monday OR Tuesday. Rockstar (e.g. copious GHIII-playing days ahead)

There was a girl sitting next to me today during my chemistry exam who was completely decked out, dressed as a Night Elf. I was amused that she came and sat next to me, since she looked uncomfortable and people seemed to have no idea what her costume was. Other than some sort of Death Slut.

I finally built up the courage to lean over to her and say "What server do you play on?"

Man, was she excited that SOMEONE "got" her costume. We then proceeded to geek out about Warcraft and then, of course, we took our exam.

In other Nerd Halloween Venues, I was completely tickled by this:

and sent it to Adam when I woke up very early this morning. After my chem exam, we finally got the chance to laugh about it.

Adam: Oh my god! Deathstar Pumpkin! Does it destroy the Alderon pumpkin?
Me: They did not post a photo of an Alderon pumpkin, so I presume that's indicative.
Adam: "That's not a moon! It's a PUMPKIN!"
Me: "I felt a great disturbance in the pumpkin force..."
Adam: "...like a thousand seeds screaming at once then silenced"

God, I love nerdy banter. And people who provide me with it.

I am uncostumed today, but I am wearing pigtails with little pumpkins at the ends of them. Much like in this photo, without the apples. Close up is here. And an orange t-shirt/black sweater combo that I sported last year, when it was halloween and I ALSO had a huge exam.

I have a chemistry tutoring session at 6pm at the ARC; seems poorly timed, considering the activities of this morning, but I like the learning.

And with that, I'm off to finish various homeworks.

There's nothing like the disappointment of seeing a sign in Lerner Hall that says

"COME CELEBRATE HALO-WEEN!"

and thinking "Ooo, Halo 3? On Halloween?" only to find that they're advertising a Filipino dessert, Halo-Halo.

In other news, my chem exam is over with. I think I did alright. I know in the post-exam discourse that I got at least one question right and at least one question wrong.

50-50 odds sound good to me!

The sky looks bluer, and the view out the tacky glass wall of Lerner Hall looks crisper, and cleaner. Or perhaps everything looks different when one is be-hatted.

They've turned on the heater in my building nonetheless, and I had Adam remove the window fan from my bedroom window, officially signifying Winter/Fall/Al Gore's Season-of-Choice.

After the unpleasantness of Saturday and the ensuing missed-parties funk, Adam and I ventured out to Gamestop on Sunday to pick up my pre-ordered copy of GUITAR HERO III.

And then proceeded to play it for several hours. My thoughts on it, besides it being wickedly fun, is that I'm pleased about the addition of a battle mode. I wish you could practice in coop mode, the encore song selection is EXTREMELY good (there was only one occasion where I didn't know AND love the pick) and I love being able to prance around proclaiming that I bested Tom Morello and Slash.

The wireless guitar that comes with the package is extremely iffy. It sometimes doesn't respond, and is generally unreliable. Adam was keen to use it until he realized he needed all of the (wired) help he could get.

I haven't yet beat the game on Medium, but I'm almost there. And then it's onto hard!

That is, after I write a French composition, take another chemistry exam, and read 8,000 articles for Disease Ecology that all seem to be due tomorrow.

I don't ever promise to know everything. But I'm good at learning more and finding connections and becoming the best, most informed support system that I can be. Something happened this week that made me wake up, realizing that should I continue along this path, I will be responsible for something/one that I'm incredibly ignorant about. The more time I spend on this path, the more I want to continue on it, and I did have a sudden panic that I needed to be more informed.

And there's something comforting about research in general.

It all feels very fixed and secure, and as I highlight the important bits in fluorescent orange, I feel more in control. Plus, smarter.

Anyway, it's nice to take one's school skills and apply them to real life. Because usually, that never happens. (HA!)

Edit: Do you ever find it difficult to write a personal entry on a computer in a lab when the guy to the left of you alternates between cruising on OKCupid, looking at male nudes, and watching Big Brother 8 on Youtube?

I always say that you don't realize that you haven't posted in forever until really, forever has come and gone and your internet corpse has already mummified with time.

iCorpse! Coming in Spring 2008!

But it's cold now, and my skin is cold/dry enough that my incessant computer typing is starting to bother my little fingertips. Keyboard Chafe -- is that a common winter ailment?

The internet is trying hard to help me, though. I'm particularly fond of the Google login- Google Maps tie-in. I log into GMail, and it knows all of my recent map searches. Can't remember what the address of the re-enactment is or are your fingers too achey to type it? Solved! Auto-Fill!

I wish I could auto-fill my life.

Where have I been, really? I wish I knew for sure. I haven't really seen people, which has made me sad, but I'm finally realizing why people balk at my taking 2 languages. During the first two semesters, neither language was that demanding. But third semester, when I'm supposed to have a complete command of two completely different sets of vocabulary. At any one moment, when I'm asked to translate something in either class, I wish I could have a penny for every word that flooded my head. I'd be SO rich. I'm working hard, though.

I've already had my hormone-induced pseudo-mid-semester breakdown. I've found that there's nothing more self-loathing than realizing you have a specific pet peeve that you are DOING YOURSELF. In this case, everyone is flawed, but standing back and just pointing at one's flaws, like some sort of overbred dog, and not actually doing anything about those flaws is terrible. And I was doing it, bigtime. "Here I am, and here are my flaws. You'll notice them highlighted in lovely orange highlighter, but while there are notes in the margins, I've actually made no moves to remedy the error."

I had some crises of scholastic-faith as well, wondering what exactly I was doing aspiring to vet school with chemistry being such a struggle, and it being such a big time commitment. Because really, I won't finish until I'm 34/35. Which leaves little time for family/children/etc if I do everything in some sort of planned order. Worry! Worry-Squared!

In somewhat-related news, things with Adam have been going really well. We go down to Tampa next weekend to Howl-O-Scare and to see Rachel and her beau, Evan. It's a vacation I've been looking forward to for weeks, and certainly knowing it's in ONE week is exhilarating! Also, I'm apparently going to his family's house for Thanksgiving.

Unrelatedly, I'll be in Maryland again this weekend. I know some people are already triple-booked, but if anyone else wants time, lemme know. I'll only be around until Sunday morning, because we're driving up to meet

noranac and

celestialmartyr for a Revolutionary War re-enactment in New Jersey.

Ah, the things I do for fun. Some fun things of recent memory: Stitch and Bitch at Yenni's, Norana's birthday party, playing Werewolves, an evening on

hmasturbator's roof with

infd,

mikestuy, Sokin, Danielle, Nick Johnson, and Chuck Y. Preceded, of course, by madcap eatery at the overcrowded Panna II.

I guess that the bottom line is that despite things being incredibly busy, me wondering what I'm doing in school, sleeping too little, worrying too much and generally always feeling behind, that I'm feeling good.

Oh, and I don't care if he wins a second Nobel Prize for "inventing" the internet, I don't think Al Gore would make a good president, and I wouldn't be comfortable voting for him. So stop asking me and suggesting it!

Current Location: 3rd Floor Computer Lab, Lerner Hall

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amalthya

November 2009

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Entries tagged with school

Eighty Five Bottles of Beer On The Wall

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