(no subject)

[amalthya]

 I'm not usually the first one to admit.  I'd rather internalize it to the point of levels of anxiety so high I give myself a rash (see entries of last year).

But man, things have been TOUGH.  

It didn't just start with last week, when I lost my wallet on an Amtrak train.  Technicolor Orange 70s Amtrak Seats + Orange Wallet == No Wallet.  I still haven't gotten replacement cards in the mail, which means my accounts are frozen.  So, I have no money.  And no credit cards.  

I had to CRY to get a new Columbia ID so I could go to work (can't get into the building without it).  It costs $20, and they seemed not to grasp the fact that no wallet == no $20. 

The toughness didn't start two weeks ago either when my laptop's hard drive died... again... in the span of 5 weeks.  Not only did the genius refuse to believe me at first when I said it was hard drive problems, but this is the SAME problem that happened with a DIFFERENT hard drive (same laptop) in the middle of December.  They've just put (another) new hard drive in, and in my fear of putting everything back on there only to lose everything again has dissuaded me from going to pick it up. 

The start of the toughness wasn't in the middle of January either, when my closing was moved a week later than previously scheduled, though the first closing date was already two weeks later than I wanted it.  It meant that I had to move in RIGHT before school restarted, giving me almost no time at all to unpack and settle in before I was expected to "produce".

If I'm honest, the toughness has been happening, and growing, and building, and starting its 401K for a long time. Probably since I came back to the States forever ago, and tried to start up a normal life again.

Is this something that's even possible?  Why is it that I found living an "extraordinary" life so easy and brilliant and exciting and yet still I am failing miserably at living this "plebeian" life?  

Does having no motivation for school mean that I have no motivation (or talent) to be a good veterinarian?  

I've never felt so much self-doubt,  or fear, or fear of purpose, or cynicism in my life.  It's like one is convinced through years of movie watching that things are supposed to be a certain way.  That you have A, and all the oppositions and hardships facing the completion of A, and then, miraculously, C!  Triumphing over the hardships of A! 

In other words, if Phase 1 is "Collect Underpants," how DOES ONE MAKE A PROFIT?

I pride myself on being self-sufficient and capable of anything. I don't get sick that often, I don't use my failures as some sort of crutch or as an excuse for why I can't perform.  Any obstacle I "should" be able to overcome.

But I've admitted to myself, this semester, this year, this time, that I'm failing.  It's beyond my control at this point, because I resolutely said to myself at the beginning of this semester:

You will NOT skip classes, and not do work, and be unmotivated.

And yet still, here I am, behind, overwhelmed, overworked and feeling like I don't need any help undermining myself, because I'm doing such a bangup job of it myself.

Things will not pan out on their own.  C will not fall into my lap (ie I will not get into veterinary school if I cannot will myself to do better in school).  I am the master of my own destiny, but that thought alone is the most depressing of all at this point.  Because if my life does not meet my own expectations, it's not ONLY MY FAULT, but it's practically expected.  If everyone lived out their dreams and their passions, no one would be sweeping the floors, right?


I went to the Center for Psychological Services on campus to see if I could see someone about trying to find practical solutions to get me back on track.  They have this ridiculously long process of an appointment for a phone interview, then an appointment for a person interview, and all the while I believed that it would lead into some sort of tangible, helpful therapy.

I saw the woman yesterday, and she dredged up a bunch of unpleasant memories while I, difficultly, acknowledged that I had lost control of the situation and wasn't sure what to do.

And then, she did nothing. She referred me to someone else, outside of the CPS network, and sent me on my way.

Further proof to me that I only have myself to rely on, really.  

But really, I'm just tired of feeling like a failure.  If I was taking a Self-Doubt class, I'd be getting an A.  But everything else?  

I got a small beacon of hope today when noranac and celestialmartyr agreed to come and drive my remaining stuff from my old place to my new place. 

I'm not completely alone, but with regard to going forward?  I don't know if I can do it.

And with that, work ends, and it's time for me to go to class

Comments

[theloriest.livejournal.com]

I know this isn't much... but...

*hugs*

Hope things get better, soon.

*loves*

[sinboy.livejournal.com]

Hey, you're working. You're going to class. You're not doing nothing all the time. That's good. Don't loose sight of that.

*hug*

[leighbug]

Just wanted to send out some ::hugs:: to you.

[congogirl.livejournal.com]

I think it is really easy to ignore all the plebeian aspects of life when we are off adventuring internationally. It doesn't mean that they weren't there, but that we had the luxury of ignoring them for a while. It is very difficult to come back and take all that on again, particularly with all the freakin' paperwork involved in working and taking classes, not to mention buying a property. You sound plain old burned out, like you need some rest and recuperation. I know this may not be an option, but maybe think about it so you don't totally run yourself ragged trying to complete classes and jump straight into more school or applications.

I think Phase 2 is the great mystery of life because nobody has been able to tell me what to do with my underpants, either.

[redcoat668.livejournal.com]

I'd have to agree...there are so many more expectations to meet and hoops to jump through in a plebeian lifestyle, and it's a particularly tough transition when the amount of money and goods your plebeian lifestyle routinely deals with can buy and sell people's children and internal organs in the country you just left.

[regyt.livejournal.com]

Well, you're right. It sounds like you can't do this alone. Like you need help. We all do, sometimes.

You have all these loving friends here - surely between us all we can figure out how to get you some help getting through this.

[rosefox]

That all sounds pretty awful. I'm sorry. I hope the counseling referral is somewhat helpful, at least.

Advice-From-Relative-Stranger dept.

[madbard.livejournal.com]

You can be motivated to do something and stumble on a roadblock of temporary fear or discouragement. The important thing is to re-examine or re-connect with your initial impulses to enter the field. (Preferably not in the middle of a stressful, perspective-bending period like preparing for exams.) You may find that your initial decision was impulsive, or made honestly but with incomplete information. Or you may remember strong motivations that resurface when you come into contact with your subject matter (in this case puppies staring at you with big brown eyes, etc.)

So there's a balance to be struck. Respect your past decisions, even in the face of short-term stress, but also don't be afraid to re-examine them and change course if you have a better perspective. It's never shameful to revise prior decisions in the face of new information.

[insheepsclothng.livejournal.com]

It sounds like a totally shitty stretch you're going through. I sympathize! School is hard enough to require all of your attention but it sounds like you are constantly having to deal with extraneous things (computer issues, lost wallet, moving) that get in the way.

It sucks! But but but the bad shit can't keep happening endlessly, eventually this streak will be over.

In the meanwhile, your friends can help, or can help by just leaving you alone and giving you time to study. Don't feel pressured to say yes to every social commitment - it's cool that you couldn't see me when I was up there, it's cool to be too busy to go out, or to visit, or to host guests.

Focus on the things that take the most out of you and they should hopefully get easier.

[purplemoonstar.livejournal.com]

For whats it's worth I feel the same way. When I was in Africa I felt like I was doing something but now its all becoming mundane and there is never enough money in US.

[(Anonymous)]

I can totally, totally relate. I also moved from Africa to New York (as you know, I think - we've talked a few times by email), and it was incredibly tough. It's druggery and boring, the school and work, and it's hard to remember that it will lead to a goal of something exciting and fun. It's really hard to be pursuing a goal and not have the goal be visible. I don't have a solution (except, can you find a way to visit Africa before years from now?). But, I will say that "this too will pass" is a great slogan to chant under one's breath while stomping angrily across New York. It has to end someday, which may or may not be helpful. You will get back to Africa!

marie
http://offtoafrica.blogspot.com

[thegarlicbite.livejournal.com]

Bad times are bad times- and the only thing you can do is just keep moving through. Giving up isn't an option- and sometimes when you are in the thick of it, it is hard to see the path that was so clear to you a few years ago- but trust that you can do it and trust that eventually this will work itself out.

And keep doing the good things for yourself- the things that make you happy.l

[fiendess.livejournal.com]

hugs

[techempage.livejournal.com]

Hang in there. I know the feeling and it self perpetuates. You feel worthless so you do nothing and since you've done nothing you feel even more worthless.

I still have a very hard time figuring out how to stop that spiral. I get out of it eventually, but I'm not totally sure how I pull it off either.

Try to find excitement, try to find the good mood, try to find the silver lining. Try to push out the bad. I guess it spirals both ways.

~hugs~