amalthya

There comes a point in the holiday season where you just break. I'm reminded of that Family Guy where Lois goes insane and starts telling people to shove things up their Holly Jolly butts.

It really doesn't help that everything is coinciding with the end of school, my period and what should typically be a happy time.

But I'm finding myself disillusioned. I spent so much time being away from my friends that I now find myself disconnected. And I separated myself from them in order to do better in school, which clearly was a bust.

I'm getting penalized spitefully by a particular teacher, despite my A+ presentation, he is refusing to rectify the shitty grade he gave me and I've had this goddamned French bullshit hanging over my head all semester.

I was so ready to reconnect, but it seems like everyone is missing. I criticized Fred for having such a low opinion of people, but I'm not sure why I defended them. I feel like most people have such serious strings attached to their friendships, and I'm just in no mood to even keep trying to maintain them. If they want to ditch me once I'm not giving them what they want/expect of me, then fuck them.


Additionally, I tried to hold another Secret Santa this year at Montien because last year had been so easy and fun and everyone seemed to enjoy it. But most people didn't respond, so I just cancelled it. And I'm thinking of not even going tomorrow night. I don't have the energy, honestly. If people don't want to celebrate, fuck them too.

Apologies to people who didn't incite my vitriol and are having to read it anyway.

I am feeling slightly better during the past hour when I discovered that one of my Christmas presents from Adam is a squishable penguin.

I'm also excited for the EBHS Christmas party tonight. I'm going to enjoy the night and go home and finish everything else up tonight and tomorrow during the day.

I'm thinking of just bailing on Montien tomorrow and going down to Maryland for some R&R. It may mean missing Friday night plans but I'm just feeling so unsure.

And did I mention shitty? I need to go lie down.

Okay, anyone can agree that I procrastinate, but when someone holds a flame under my ass, I move.

Which is why the Aware-Africa site is, at least temporarily, finished. I'm not happy with certain aspects of it, and I need to translate some of the pages, but yea... it's done. The projects are up. The links are mostly fixed.

Thought of funny adages with rosefox over AIM of why Heineken and coding don't go well together, a fact I learned the hard way after I deleted gallery.htm and only had the German version left. Woops!

comment not while ye are drunk;
ye'll have no clue what ye thunk

If ye drinketh while ye code.
Only trouble will ye bode.

If Ye Be Drunk during HTML
Surely Will Ye Go to Hell.

When frustrated, I seem to revert to Pirate™. Also, I have class in uh... 7.5 hours. This isn't good, not at all.

In case anyone was curious about my woes, here is my chemistry exam with the answers from this past Tuesday:

http://www.savefile.com/files/219099

I'm told by someone who used to teach chemistry for MCAT prep courses that these multiple choice questions are sneakier.

I find myself sometimes amused by the things we choose to let get under our skins and the things we let distract us.

I let Chemistry totally get to me last night. I had my final tutoring session before the exam, and we went over the exam from last year, and I was totally lost. Utterly, totally lost and I let myself get overwhelmed and I started to cry. I started to think about all the time and energy I'd invested into the class, and into the tutoring, and about the things I'd had to stop doing in order to go to these fucking tutoring sessions, and how would I get into UPenn vet school if I failed chemistry, and what would my mother's new husband, the chemistry professor, think of my abject failure at his subject. Everything circled around me as I circled the toilet bowl of mental stability.

I didn't go to my next class. I instead ran down the hill and called booksymagnifico, tears streaming down my face, hyperventilating and probably close to vomiting. I sat in freezing cold Riverside Park and he talked me down from who knows where. I felt slightly better, though furious at myself for letting myself fall apart. I took a taxi home and talked to my roommate Dan, while I ate fig newtons.

I'm going over my notes from class and tutoring and everything else this morning. I couldn't handle any more last night. It's frustrating too because feeling Chem-burned on Sunday night as well didn't make me very active in studying for the French exam i had yesterday.

All I can think about is fresh mozzarella cheese. I could apply my new chemical knowledge and talk about the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, and attempt to make a formula for the lack of control that I feel. Delta-P times Delta-X, right? How does kissing tie in?

Also, it's Halloween and I'm not really sure what's going on, because the pre-existing five plans that were hypothesized seem to have fallen flat and so I might go to Jersey City with edgehopper. As a native New Yorker, I fear Jersey, but maybe the weirdoes from Jersey will be heading into the city tonight and leave Jersey free and clear.

I should go read over my notes. At noon today, this will all be over. I'm just not sure what I mean by "over" or what it will really apply to.