amalthya

Consistency is key.

Or at least, that's the "truth" I tell myself that holds friendships and life together.

But sometimes, it's the inconsistency that makes things easier. More jagged, and sometimes painful but overall, easier.

When I came back to the country, I didn't know for how long. In my mind, I'd be back in Uganda by Winter break in January. Of course, that didn't happen but it didn't mean that I didn't operate as though it would --

In the field we constantly had transitory relationships because none of us knew how long we would be in any one place, or where we would go next. It makes life easier, knowing that you don't have to make any promises.

After I didn't head to Uganda in January, I guess I started settling down a little. Call it inspiration by the people surrounding me -- rosefox and sinboy alone could have prompted me to stay in one place, but there were so many more people added to the mix -- a New York I'd previously experienced only with the volume down -- people like xoder and extraordinary renewed friendships with Charles and Yenni and infd and noranac and brand new friendships with ursus_archetype and alexsirkman.

There's always a point, though, where you still feel stifled, or unhappy. Or, in my case, Ordinary. Same old emo, same old drama, same old bullshit.

As I told blackiestark, leaving the country is the cleanest break you can get -- it answers all the questions automatically. "Of course they'd invite me to that party if I was in the country" -- or, "I'm sure that I'd get to see them more often if I wasn't so far away."

It automatically neglects the surety of mess, and hurt feelings, and confusion that is staying in one place for too long. It's my version of chasing the dragon -- trying to make everyone continually love me or want to be around me is a losing enterprise even from the getgo. People break up, feelings change, things are awkward, and nothing ever stays the same. Consistency, in that way, is a lie. It doesn't make the disappointment of change any less palpable.

I guess, too, that I like the certainty of being far away, and isolated, and not being able to depend on other people. Given other options, I do tend to cling to those around me. I enjoy knowing that they value my company. Even if it's only for a finite amount of time.

---

Part of me is astonished that I am getting to go back to Congo as soon as I am. The longer my academic career slogged on, the more sure I became that I would be relegated to stationary life for at least another few years. To have the opportunity now just fills me with purpose again. I flush talking about it, and for once, I don't feel like I need to fake interest or motivation in order to tackle my to-do list.

Which is, at this moment, incredibly long! Not only am I trying to get myself ready, but prepping Adam for what life will be like is a top priority too. And it's a strange feeling, but also a wonderful one I guess. Mostly it's the change between making a clean, full break and actually leaving someone out of the cut. It's a little scary -- Bush/Field time is so much a part of me, and part of what's really important to me. Wonder if Adam hates it? Or hates who I become in the field? Idle worries, yes. Most of me knows that Adam, who seems to get along with anyone and everyone, will have no trouble acclimating to a new climate and a new culture. It's probably scary just because it's new.

I'll keep writing here sporadically, but most of my Congo preparations are going into lifeincongo -- a blog we'll both keep while I'm gone since I'm well aware that my huge, 5 entries-at-a-time postings from the field are a bit tough for most people's FLists to handle.

And who knows? Will things be the same when I come back?

There's always consistency in the possibilities of a fresh start.

Do you ever find that, when one aspect of your life feels horribly out of control, you demand other aspects of your life to be more stable and sure?

I feel sort of guilty for spazzing this morning like that. I even bought a spookie to try and compensate [spooky cookie]. Ah well.

I do finally feel like celebrating Halloween now that my exam is over. Because it feels SOOOO good. Amazingly, I didn't leave this exam feeling like I'd failed.

Was it hard? Sure, yes. It was very hard. I went through the whole exam, systematically, and triaged the problems I saw. If I knew the formula that would relate to the problem, I wrote it down. If I saw the answer right away, I wrote that down too. I probably spent a good 30 minutes just doing that and going through the equations on the back of the exam and assigning them to the various principles and processes.

In typical sneaky fashion, 9/10ths of the equations were not even necessary for any of the problems. Assmonkies.

But overall, I felt like, after proper thought and deliberation, I knew what equation to apply. And, when I computed my answers, they were actually options in the multiple choice. You have NO idea how exciting this was to me. Last exam, nearly none of the answers I got for various problems were listed as choices at all.

It doesn't help either that my professor often asks for the "closest answer" so you won't actually get something that's listed. It's one of his more obnoxious characteristics.

I am relatively sure that I got at least a 15 out of 24. When I had 15 minutes left, I'd only left 4 problems blank. When I had 5 minutes left, there were just two problems that I had NO idea how to do (photons of light measured in nanometers? erg? that is, erg, the sound, and not the unit of measurement). So those problems, in my last five minutes, I made educated guesses about.


...So I feel really good now. I don't know if its the slow, comfortable numb of blinding insanity, the adrenaline of being finished, or the confidence in my knowledge, but I think, at this point, that I'm comfortable with any of the above or a combination of sorts.