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Dec. 20th, 2007 02:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amalthyaI think one of the worst feelings in the world is the feeling of losing faith in yourself. It's often so easy for me to be optimistic about myself and my abilities: I think about what I've accomplished and hurdles I've leaped over, and I believe that there is nothing I can't do.
But tonight, not only am I not going to Montien, but I will be attempting to complete the impossible. "Impossible" in the perspective that I have certain things that I must complete tonight that I cannot possibly actually finish.
The knowledge of this truth is terrifying, because I HAVE to finish these things. I must do it for myself, and for my academic future, and for my own knowledge that I am not the failure that I am perceived to be.
But I know, deep down, that I probably won't succeed.
Because the only thing I've succeeded in doing is getting sick. I am officially sick, sitting in the computer lab at school, struggling to work after having met with my advisor and spilt my guts/tears/frustrations.
If I do manage to do all of these things tonight, it will have to be from a horizontal position, IN bed, with sporadic napping and copious airborne/tea.
I'm going home. Cannot sit upright. Cannot sit with self.
But tonight, not only am I not going to Montien, but I will be attempting to complete the impossible. "Impossible" in the perspective that I have certain things that I must complete tonight that I cannot possibly actually finish.
The knowledge of this truth is terrifying, because I HAVE to finish these things. I must do it for myself, and for my academic future, and for my own knowledge that I am not the failure that I am perceived to be.
But I know, deep down, that I probably won't succeed.
Because the only thing I've succeeded in doing is getting sick. I am officially sick, sitting in the computer lab at school, struggling to work after having met with my advisor and spilt my guts/tears/frustrations.
If I do manage to do all of these things tonight, it will have to be from a horizontal position, IN bed, with sporadic napping and copious airborne/tea.
I'm going home. Cannot sit upright. Cannot sit with self.
