amalthya

Man Love is key. I have to say, that within the first 10 minutes of this movie, you know it's going to suck. Isn't there one of those universal marketing principles of keeping it simple, so as not to confuse your audience?

We open on Anthony Hopkins, and I think he was wearing a nose prosthetic. Mason didn't recognize him, but I did. He's mumbling to some scantily-clad man-scribes about the past, and tossing names and places and dates around like crazy. This is where it would have been useful to have a written, on-screen prologue. Oliver Stone, why you hate us so?

I honestly have NO idea what the end result of the beginning monologue was. Also, the "set" looked like Oliver Stone's backyard in Malibu. (Including the scantily clad man-slaves)

We flash into the past. It's Angelina Jolie, Young and Hot. And tiny young Alexander. She is talking about betrayal, and snakes. So many snakes. Val Kilmer comes in, and he has one eye. Something is going on, something violent.

You're not really sure what. This is what a lot of the movie is like. I am fixated on Val Kilmer's missing eye.

More fast-forwarding. Now Alexander is older. Through movie magic, Angelina Jolie is still Young and Hot. I have to say, this boy was one of the highlights of the movie.

His acting was very good, and, remarkably, he looked JUST LIKE what I'd imagine a young Colin Farrell would look like. Portions of this section are actually good.

Plus, you have Christopher Plummer talking about Man Love. He's like:

"If you lie with a man, and passion comes out of it, it is bad. But if you lie with a man and great knowledge and virtue comes of it, it is the best!"

Clearly I am paraphrasing. I ain't no Christopher Plummer.

Can you see the direction in which this movie is heading?

Next section of the movie, Alexander is a little older, and is now Colin. I read all these reviews about how bad the dye job was, and how his eyebrows were still black. These reviewers smoke crack cocaine. I have video.

They actually dyed Colin's eyebrows, and he looked young and innocent. Sort of like his mother at this point in the movie (Still, magically, Young and Hot)

And I have to say, that I think Colin Farrell did a good job. His acting was convincing, and good. At this point, the movie gets a little better. Angelina Jolie has a very silly accent, and her acting prowess vacillates, but overall, she is also good.

Speaking of accents, everyone sounded sort of Scottish.

We're also introducted to Hephasteion. (sp?) played by a surprisingly impressive Jared Leto.

Oh, the man love.

During this section, you actually know who everyone is. It's so refreshing and clear-cut. I knew what was going on, and it was interesting. And well-acted.

There's real tension about who will get the throne after Val Kilmer dies (or possibly loses his last eye). You see everyone's motivation. In this barbaric time, if you are a possible successor to the throne, but don't.. um.. succeed... basically, you're dead. Along with everyone in your family. Eliminate all possible threat to the throne.

There's this huge climactic scene, a fight where Val and Colin nearly duke it out. Then, magically, in the next scene, Val is dead.

No explanation why. Now Alexander is king. He wants to conquer Persia. His mom wants him to take a wife. But... ::lewd laugh:: he's not interested.

Oh, the man love.

The movie starts to take a down-swing again. We're in battle. There are some questionable edits that make me think that maybe there aren't as many soldiers as we're being lead to believe. Also, underneath, there's this horrible music. Imagine one of those free loops you download from the internet that just repeats itself over and over again, without that Philip Glass charm. It was just bad.

This battle leads to the invasion of Babylon. The movie is still good here, but very heavy-handed in its gayness.

They enter the "brothel" area of the "castle" at Babylon. It is a ROOM full of hot, semi-clothed women. Where does the camera pan? This long-haired, eyeliner-wearing, femme boy.

Oh, the man love.

The time spent in Babylon is good. Alexander is king, successful, loved, and older. We also have cut-scenes to Angelina Jolie, his mother, still (you guessed it) Young and Hot.

Also, the sets are very beautiful.

But alas, Alexander's ~~manlust~~ wanderlust leads him far away, battle after battle as he goes East. He brings the femme boy, and Hephaestion comes with him too. ::lewd laughter::

At this point, we have the great War of Confusion™. There are all these generals. And all these political sub-plots. I can't even remember anyone's name now. Or what the hell was going on.

Some funny scenes:

Alexander undresses (Yay Colin Farrell's ass) and gets into bed. The Femme-Boy Man Slave is next to his bed. He snuffs out the candle, and Alexander looks at him, in the semi-lit darkness, and sort of... beckons. Fade to black.

Oh the man love.

With random voiceover from Anthony Hopkins, we learn that Alexander marries Rosario Dawson, a Persian girl.

You sort of wonder at this point of the movie where exactly it's going. But then again, I don't think Alexander knew where he was going either.

Rosario Dawson walks in on Alexander and Hephaestion having... a tender moment ...and gets enraged.

Of course, in the most logical sense, to retaliate, Alexander mock-rapes her. "Look at me! I'm not gay! I ravage you like a real man"

The scene is inadvertently silly. Naked Rosario Dawson (which is a nice sight, btw), painted with snakes (heavy-handed theme), hissing at Alexander, who is wearing a lion's mane with fangs and is growling back.

I couldn't help but laugh. Oh, and the music. The music! ::laughs just remembering::

There is one more bright spot in the movie before it fades into oblivion. We are blessed with an out-of-nowhere flashback showing Val Kilmer kicking it. You finally see faces & names and plotlines you remember. It's so comforting.

Then, back to the madness.

The movie just goes ON. and ON. and On. More battles. More conspiracies. More talking. More names.

Who KNOWS what was going on?

Then we get to a battle where Alexander nearly dies. Suddenly, there is a red filter. Everything is red. They are also trying to use the jolty, fast-forwarded camera effect that was so cool in Gladiator. Except that it was done badly. So everything is jolty, hurried and red.

It's a miracle I didn't vomit and die.

Also, a miracle that Alexander doesn't die. And the movie goes on ::sings Sonny & Cher::

Hephaestion dies. Alexander is inconsolable. So inconsolable that Hephaestion is lying in bed, having his last moments. Alexander is at the window, talking about his dream for a kingdom. In the unfocussed background, we see Heph kicking it. Alexander, paying no mind, keeps talking.

So basically, Heph is talked to death. And 2.75 hours into the movie, I could totally empathize.

The movie keeps going, and now, we're back at Anthony Hopkins. On and On and On.

I'd given up on an ending and rested my head on my shoulder. Mason was leaning on his hands. It was 1 am.

And finally.. it was over.

It turns out the wretched music was actually an original composed score by Vangelis, the guy who did Chariots of Fire. Eek.

Now, I love Man Love. Yay Yaoi. And I feel like including it in a movie is brave and good at expressing it.

But somewhere along the way, it became the main focus. It was like porn, where you expect a sex scene every 10 minutes interspersed into the plot. Except in this case, every 10 minutes, there's some sort of weird gay sketch. Like a loving look from Heph, or a man-embrace, or a lapdance from the Femme Slave Boy.

Should it really be the focus that he's gay? Or Bi? Or whatever? So what? It wasn't HIS main focus, why is it Oliver's?

Also, I felt like Oliver Stone suffers from George Lucasitis.

I can't imagine other people working on the film didn't try to save him.

Oliver! Cut this part out!

Oliver! Change the music!

and I would imagine he was like "F you all! I'm Oliver Stone!:"

It took 6 months to shoot Alexander. You can almost tell what was filmed when. You just know eventually that people had no more energy. And stopped caring.

They just ran out of steam.

And so have I.