Real Life

Give Us a Kiss
Originally uploaded by amalthya.

Monday 2:19 am

God, it's nearly 2:30 in the morning. I've drunk 5 cups of tea, spilled half a cup of tea on the floor and on my pajamas. I'm wired, feeling sort of drunk and demented all at once.

And the fact is, maybe I am going insane. Maybe it's because I'm nervous about going home, or nervous about trying to keep all my long-distance friendships alive and active.

But the fact is, I'm not even sure if I can maintain conversations anymore. I feel so far removed from, well, everything. I don't really have any idea what to say, or what's appropriate, or what's funny or makes me well-liked or disliked and I'm feeling totally lost.

Have I somehow "lost" it without even really realizing it?

I mean, crap, I feel like a paranoid demented asshole, but people even being away-from-keyboard suddenly makes me wonder whether I'm bad or other words I can't think of at 2 am.

Do people watch my videos? Or read my extensively long and verbose posts even if they don't comment? Why am I suddenly feeling like I'm dangling out in the breeze solo?

Or like everything is just so much more work. It still feels worth it, but I'm resenting what feels like an uphill climb. I'm almost... afraid... to come home?

I guess too that it's the feeling of impotence of being so limited in my modes of communication. When does one give up? One unanswered email? One week of no replies? Two times of no AIM replies?

Being bad at keeping in touch does not make someone a bad person, but how can you discern being bad at keeping in touch with not wanting to keep in touch.

I'm full of heavy caffeine, and my head is swirling. Feel free to disregard this post, that is, unless you're already disregarding it.



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Entirely Unrelated Note:

Shege ate my deodorant today. They don't sell deodorant here. In addition to leprosy, I might become smelly. Which is worse?

Also, photos have been uploaded. Check Out:

Week Thirty Two Photoset

Week Thirty Three Photoset

Many Chimpanzee Videos

Awake?

Monday 12:46 pm

Okay, so, well, I didn't sleep at all last night. Once you pass a certain point, it's just almost too late. Of course, it feels too late now, but in an entirely different way.

I'm cold, strangely, and incredibly hungry. I'm getting a new visa today -- another benchmark of my time here. It won't be for a month... probably just for 8 days.

I'm not really sure what, if anything, I want to eat either. Other than... Mentos. Fruit Mentos.

Not sure what it says about me either that a sole night without sleep is making me feel so deranged. My fingers are just not communicating with the Typing Center of my brain, and the emotional part of me is just not communicating with the logical.

Other than that, everything is OK. No more videos, today, sadly. My connection slowed down almost immediately at 8:15 when other people came into the office. Life is so tragic when you can't bogart all the bandwidth for yourself isn't it? Ha!

I'm torn as to whether to linger until people wake up (4 pm my time) or skitter off to the Chateau and chimp-mother sleep.

mmmm. Food. Mentos.