At a Crossroads...

[amalthya]

Wednesday 11:36 am

Maybe it's because, as someone who read my most recent flurry of posts said, I'm going crazy and I'll have imaginary friends next... or maybe it's because I've had a lot of isolation time to mull things over... or maybe it's because being in Goma has increased my homesickness exponentially.

But, I've been thinking a lot about what comes next. In addition, of course, to being excited for my trip home at the end of March.

Previously, I'd sort of thought that I'd go back to Maryland and continue my path of working in design + primatology/conservation. But I've got to consider that perhaps I won't always find employment that blends those two components together. Sure, there are avenues that seem idyllic now, but are they really practical?

I think eventually, I'll have to choose which direction I'm going to go in. Primatology -- academia, science, lots and lots and lots of schooling

Or Design/PR/Marketing -- need more training, probably better paid but perhaps more soulless?

So, in the LJ tradition, I'll be indecisive and look to my friends for their potentially less-obscured vision of my future. Because right now, I'm feeling somewhat deluged with possibilities.

The Life Goal Poll!

Please note, that the timeline of these options is "when I get back from Uganda" as opposed to "sometime in my life"

[Poll #654699]

Anyway, I'd really appreciate people's opinions on the matter. Please try not to flame me for "leaving my life in the hands of others" since clearly, when it comes down to it, the choice is mine.

Oh, and I also discovered today that I'm getting reimbursed for all my various visa travails which is incredibly comforting, considering I'm po'ass right now. Phew!

Comments

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

See, for me, being lonely is a HUGE thing and I feel weak to depend on my codependency. It's one of those things I try not to succumb to on purpose.

And this is really sort-of-short-term... just because wherever I go next requires preparation and I need to start thinking about that. Build the foundation for whatever's next, you know?

[faeriecween.livejournal.com]

Lonliness is my number one biggest fear- I hate being lonely too. Some people can cope with lots of solitude - I think I'd just go mad.

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

Yea, I'm trying to make it no longer my biggest fear -- it just cripples my ability to do bigger better (and more independent) things...

Also, some people are suggesting that I'm already going mad, so... ;)

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

I read your posts and I don't think you're going mad... Why would people think that?

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

Someone on AIM commented to me this morning that "it seems like the isolation is getting to you"...

It wasn't exactly a subtle hint ;)

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

Haha, just another example of difference of interpretation :) If someone had told me that, I wouldn't think they were calling me mad (subtle or not). I would equate "getting to you" = "really, really bothering you", and as a sign of concern that emotionally I wasn't coping well. But not madness :) Different stroke for different folks!

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

Well, there was more to it, too ;)

But yes, there was certainly concern there too. Hehehe. Maybe I'm just feeling a bit mad myself!

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

Mayhaps :) If nothing else, maybe you'll be comforted to know that I'm in a similar situation; tho I recently bemoan the fact that there's no other living creature around (ideally I'd like a pet or something, but I think it migh tbe too much for me to handle on top of everything else), so I feel jealous of your animal interactions. As you say, it's not all honey and roses, but it's something. And sometimes I like the quiet companionship of animals over the drama of fellow human beings ;)

But yeah, point being, I had to kind of laugh to myself when I saw your original mention of loneliness and madness because just this morning I talked aloud to absolutely no one about how metallic my coffee tasted this morning, and what I should do about it, etc. ;) I haven't started creating imaginary friends yet, tho, so that's good ;) But last night I was feeling lonely in bed so I cuddled with my Eeyore; animals of the "stuffed" variety being better than nothing at all ;)

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

tee hee. I laughed out loud, reading about your metallic coffee. I mean, at least in Uganda I could SMS the "real world" but here it's just SILENT. PLUS, I had to leave tummi gummi at home (he's my answer to your eeyore :P)


I guess I'm just not feeling as fulfilled by the chimps as I was by the humans. Etaito can't play cards with me, or have witty banter.

Wow, I really miss witty banter... Maybe that explains my recent penchant for romantic comedies!

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

You might remember my posting during my first 6 months or so here, how I didn't find anyone I clicked with, anyone I could talk to in the way I want to talk (like witty banter). Honestly, in a way I still can't, but I've learned to adapt, and just content myself with whatever I can get (to keep from getting either completely depressed or completely isolated). So, yeah, I know how you feel :)

Not to completely derail the topic, but maybe this is the perfect time to continue working on that novel? :) Wouldn't it be great if after your time in Africa is up, you could say you not only had these amazing experiences, but wrote a book to boot! What a year :)

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

I do remember that actually ;) I mean, I know you don't feel like your current friendships are ideal (which I can totally empathize with, btw) but it does seem that you're a lot more content now, certainly.

And I actually laughed aloud reading about the novel, but you know what? You're totally right ;)

I've been trying to come up with things to consume my evenings other than playing the text adventure Chris made me for hours on end! hehe.

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

You just learn to accept and enjoy what you can from what you have :) I may not have the deep introspections, the fun movie/tv references, or the joking sexual innuendos, but I still have good people around :)

And I'm totally gonna poke you again about the writing idea ;) If not the continuation of the story you started in November, maybe you can re-examine your Africa posts so far and see if you can't string them together into a story in itself. That'd be a kickass souvenir of Africa :)

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

Btw, I'd take your chimps over my Eeyore in an instant :) Sure Eeyore's passive enough to let me cuddle and sleep with him, but there's something to be said for having another being who is happy to see you, or who misses you. To pay attention to them and they respond positively/affectionately, and for them to pay attention to you. Very basic needing/needed and caring feelings I can't get from Eeyore, sadly :)

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

Hey! Eeyore never bites you or has a temper tantrum, though ;)

It's all relative. Plus, I'm in the process of uploading photos of my cornucopia of bruises/cuts/bites. hehe.

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

....Sometimes you hurt the ones you love? ;) Lol. I dunno, it is all relative, but at least another presence and interaction with that presence lets you know you're alive, if you know what I mean :)

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

HA! Yea, technically, I shouldn't be complaining [/pervert]

The interaction is really nice, it's true. I guess I'm just whinging about the lack of dialogue.