At a Crossroads...

[amalthya]

Wednesday 11:36 am

Maybe it's because, as someone who read my most recent flurry of posts said, I'm going crazy and I'll have imaginary friends next... or maybe it's because I've had a lot of isolation time to mull things over... or maybe it's because being in Goma has increased my homesickness exponentially.

But, I've been thinking a lot about what comes next. In addition, of course, to being excited for my trip home at the end of March.

Previously, I'd sort of thought that I'd go back to Maryland and continue my path of working in design + primatology/conservation. But I've got to consider that perhaps I won't always find employment that blends those two components together. Sure, there are avenues that seem idyllic now, but are they really practical?

I think eventually, I'll have to choose which direction I'm going to go in. Primatology -- academia, science, lots and lots and lots of schooling

Or Design/PR/Marketing -- need more training, probably better paid but perhaps more soulless?

So, in the LJ tradition, I'll be indecisive and look to my friends for their potentially less-obscured vision of my future. Because right now, I'm feeling somewhat deluged with possibilities.

The Life Goal Poll!

Please note, that the timeline of these options is "when I get back from Uganda" as opposed to "sometime in my life"

[Poll #654699]

Anyway, I'd really appreciate people's opinions on the matter. Please try not to flame me for "leaving my life in the hands of others" since clearly, when it comes down to it, the choice is mine.

Oh, and I also discovered today that I'm getting reimbursed for all my various visa travails which is incredibly comforting, considering I'm po'ass right now. Phew!

Comments

[faeriecween.livejournal.com]

Whatever you do don't be lonely, tis the worst thing there is in my opinion.

If I were you (and not only am I not I only knkow wat I've read of you so his si a bit presumptuous) I would go back to MD get your vet tech and then review your options, you can always move on to any of the other things on your list, or even a multitude of other things. Making long term plans is all very well but it's better, I think, to plan for a long short term and then see what happens. If you're meant to be somewhere/do something you wil be at the right time. You do what makes you hapiiest and then you go from there.

Hmm I've presumed enough now.

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

See, for me, being lonely is a HUGE thing and I feel weak to depend on my codependency. It's one of those things I try not to succumb to on purpose.

And this is really sort-of-short-term... just because wherever I go next requires preparation and I need to start thinking about that. Build the foundation for whatever's next, you know?

[faeriecween.livejournal.com]

Lonliness is my number one biggest fear- I hate being lonely too. Some people can cope with lots of solitude - I think I'd just go mad.

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

Yea, I'm trying to make it no longer my biggest fear -- it just cripples my ability to do bigger better (and more independent) things...

Also, some people are suggesting that I'm already going mad, so... ;)

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

I read your posts and I don't think you're going mad... Why would people think that?

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

Someone on AIM commented to me this morning that "it seems like the isolation is getting to you"...

It wasn't exactly a subtle hint ;)

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

Haha, just another example of difference of interpretation :) If someone had told me that, I wouldn't think they were calling me mad (subtle or not). I would equate "getting to you" = "really, really bothering you", and as a sign of concern that emotionally I wasn't coping well. But not madness :) Different stroke for different folks!

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

Well, there was more to it, too ;)

But yes, there was certainly concern there too. Hehehe. Maybe I'm just feeling a bit mad myself!

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

Mayhaps :) If nothing else, maybe you'll be comforted to know that I'm in a similar situation; tho I recently bemoan the fact that there's no other living creature around (ideally I'd like a pet or something, but I think it migh tbe too much for me to handle on top of everything else), so I feel jealous of your animal interactions. As you say, it's not all honey and roses, but it's something. And sometimes I like the quiet companionship of animals over the drama of fellow human beings ;)

But yeah, point being, I had to kind of laugh to myself when I saw your original mention of loneliness and madness because just this morning I talked aloud to absolutely no one about how metallic my coffee tasted this morning, and what I should do about it, etc. ;) I haven't started creating imaginary friends yet, tho, so that's good ;) But last night I was feeling lonely in bed so I cuddled with my Eeyore; animals of the "stuffed" variety being better than nothing at all ;)

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

tee hee. I laughed out loud, reading about your metallic coffee. I mean, at least in Uganda I could SMS the "real world" but here it's just SILENT. PLUS, I had to leave tummi gummi at home (he's my answer to your eeyore :P)


I guess I'm just not feeling as fulfilled by the chimps as I was by the humans. Etaito can't play cards with me, or have witty banter.

Wow, I really miss witty banter... Maybe that explains my recent penchant for romantic comedies!

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

You might remember my posting during my first 6 months or so here, how I didn't find anyone I clicked with, anyone I could talk to in the way I want to talk (like witty banter). Honestly, in a way I still can't, but I've learned to adapt, and just content myself with whatever I can get (to keep from getting either completely depressed or completely isolated). So, yeah, I know how you feel :)

Not to completely derail the topic, but maybe this is the perfect time to continue working on that novel? :) Wouldn't it be great if after your time in Africa is up, you could say you not only had these amazing experiences, but wrote a book to boot! What a year :)

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

I do remember that actually ;) I mean, I know you don't feel like your current friendships are ideal (which I can totally empathize with, btw) but it does seem that you're a lot more content now, certainly.

And I actually laughed aloud reading about the novel, but you know what? You're totally right ;)

I've been trying to come up with things to consume my evenings other than playing the text adventure Chris made me for hours on end! hehe.

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

You just learn to accept and enjoy what you can from what you have :) I may not have the deep introspections, the fun movie/tv references, or the joking sexual innuendos, but I still have good people around :)

And I'm totally gonna poke you again about the writing idea ;) If not the continuation of the story you started in November, maybe you can re-examine your Africa posts so far and see if you can't string them together into a story in itself. That'd be a kickass souvenir of Africa :)

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

Btw, I'd take your chimps over my Eeyore in an instant :) Sure Eeyore's passive enough to let me cuddle and sleep with him, but there's something to be said for having another being who is happy to see you, or who misses you. To pay attention to them and they respond positively/affectionately, and for them to pay attention to you. Very basic needing/needed and caring feelings I can't get from Eeyore, sadly :)

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

Hey! Eeyore never bites you or has a temper tantrum, though ;)

It's all relative. Plus, I'm in the process of uploading photos of my cornucopia of bruises/cuts/bites. hehe.

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

....Sometimes you hurt the ones you love? ;) Lol. I dunno, it is all relative, but at least another presence and interaction with that presence lets you know you're alive, if you know what I mean :)

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

HA! Yea, technically, I shouldn't be complaining [/pervert]

The interaction is really nice, it's true. I guess I'm just whinging about the lack of dialogue.

Discussing my vote

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

The loneliness seems to be an important issue for you, so as cool as it may sound to others, I think maybe don't prolong your time in Africa longer than you are comfortable doing. You'll burn yourself out and your experience will sour; content yourself with the extraordinary time you did spend in Africa and leave when you feel ready, whether it be earlier or later than you planned.

Caveat: don't build up the "home" experience too much in your mind. When you go back you may feel, "I was eager to come back to this?" which may make you doubt your decisions. Honestly, I would save the real planning (even if just mental) til after you get back from your US trip in March. Perspectives may change, you may feel more refreshed with the brief sojourn home.

Not sure why, but my gut tells me not to head down the graphic design path. Just like the web developer path got glutted very quickly, I think the same is happening to graphic design. I think maybe play around with it more in your spare time (because such skills may be the final push in convincing potential employers), but I wouldn't rely on it solely.

Maybe also because I'm in academia, too, but I think it's a more worthwhile path. You are obviously interesed/passionate about it, and I think it's worth it to follow your passions. Enchancing your experience within the field (with experience abroad, like now, and with vet tech), will probably make you love it more and will make you more desirable (again) to potential employers.

I'm also kind of nomadic in personality, so I would tend to vote for the non-nesting option. You lose a lot of flexibility in your life, and sometimes opportunities by being tied down. Personally I feel that both you and I are too young to be tied down; but I acknowledge a lot of it has to do with personality type, and a lot of young women our age or younger can't wait to settle down. I'm of the opinion that you can wait til later to settle. But that's just me.

Everything else aside, I am reading ALL your posts, tho I may not respond to them, and I hope you feel better about it all soon. Just like Uganda, any new move requires adjustment period. Once you get (temporarily) settled and strenghten friendships, you'll feel a bit better about the whole thing. *snuggle* We do care about you. O

h, and absolutely no worries about sending packages late; I didn't expect anything to begin with, so no mattter when it comes it will be a surprise :) Tho I'm a little sad the Xmas card you sent didn't come :/ Maybe it will still come... I will hope.

Re: Discussing my vote

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

This was actually a fabulous response -- a lot of what I was looking for -- good advice, good perspective.

Regardless of anything else, I don't think I'd ever forgive myself for "leaving early" out of homesickness or whatever -- I doubt that I'll burn out necessarily and I think that home, as you say, will certainly seem less fabulous once I'm actually there.

I had the same concerns about design -- my mom did programming and got totally burned as technology changed and outgrew her skillbase. So preferably, I'd like to keep tech-stuff in my free, dork time.

I'm worried that I'll go into Primatology and end up on this endless path of masters, phD, and just never be finished, never have time to do anything else, and just be generally miserable and "stuck"... Like, I know that mikestuy is unhappy all the time, but feels too committed to medical school to just abandon it. And, to keep with my "being happy" resolution, doing something that doesn't make me happy on purpose is worrying.

I also have lovely dreams of having a car, and a job and "nest-ish" things in Maryland... or really, anywhere. I also have grave concerns about returning to New York to finish school (where it would really be ideal for me to)... I think you can easily imagine why.

And thank you for reading my posts at all - it makes me feel honored whenever someone says that to me, because I know they're... bulky.. to say the least ;)

I *am* getting into a routine here, certainly, and getting a lot done. I guess I just am reacting to the extremity of the conditions (ie NO social interaction for most of the time).

And I'm sure your card WILL eventually come, right!? It's gotta :D I have faith! Anyway, thanks so much for the support. Believe it or not, it did help my decision-making process (which I never ever leave to the last minute, unfortunately :P)

Re: Discussing my vote

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I wouldn't base your opinion on graduate school based on Mike's posts; opinions and experiences vary from person to person, but at the very least he only seems to post when things are really bad (which makes sense in the venting kind of way), and you don't really get to hear about the good experiences. I know I whine and bitch alot (but mostly because I'm tired or feeling sickly; I almost never think about giving up), so I may not be a great example, either. But I find gatsbys_regret's enthusiasm for grad school inspiring, as I do gavriela's.

Really, worry is one thing, but you never know unless you try. Some of my classes since undergrad have sucked. But sometimes you get a great class/teacher who changes your perspective on things and you're more passionate and driven than ever before. Unfortunately you've gotta take the good with the bad in academia (well, with anything, really). I think the surest first step is to analyze how you feel about the idea of school again -- is it fear you mostly feel? dread? Or other? (you don't have to answer to me, but you should to yourself)

Btw, how long would vet tech education last? I'm not sure what it is, exactly, and how it varies from veterinary schooling in general.

And again, this is my totally biased opinion, but I wouldn't have suggested NYC anyway, regardless of social situation. But that stems from my personal distaste with the idea of living in the city again full-time. Why not MD, where you seemed so happy? NYC may seem easier, but MD may make you happier.

Re: Discussing my vote

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

Remember that I have a year of undergrad left to go! Hence my proclivity for staying at Columbia -- I've already been to three undergrad universities (eek) and I've been told I can head back there whenever I'm ready -- I liked being at a school with smart-people in my classes, and I loved the campus... So yea, Maryland makes me happy, but there aren't any SCHOOLS in Maryland that would make me happy...


So anyway, being an undergrad, and THEN doing graduate school etc etc... You can see why it might feel slightly overwhelming. I mean, it's just a vast quantity of school!! But I could certainly consider grad schools closer to MD. That'd be good.

I'm pretty sure I could finish vet tech'ing in a year. I'm doing it more for the background than anything else, so that I have more animal handling opportunities available to me.

Now, in terms of school, I certainly don't feel dead to it. And funnily, after watching When Harry Met Sally I really liked the idea of being on my own in NYC again. I like new experiences, and well, I haven't been in school for so long that right now, it certainly seems "new".

But yea, the social aspect is... troubling.

Re: Discussing my vote

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

Hehe. Higher education is such a scam ;) We're expected to take on adult roles as early as 15 and yet expected to keep learning until we're thirty? Student loans? Whhat?

*laughing*

And yes, I have received very positive response from unnamed people in NYC who are mutual friends about my return -- but like, Montien? Movie Night? Inescapable drama? Plus just generalized sadness!

No, I won't let one person dictate, but the more you talk about it, the more doable it seems :) I just need to get my ducks in a row.

*QUACK!*

Re: Discussing my vote

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

One year is such a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things :) (as you know, since more than half your time in Africa is over already!) It'll fly, especially while doing things you love. Plus you never know what's going to happen... hell, think about it this way: really, how could things get WORSE with the situation? ;)

*QUACK*^2

Re: Discussing my vote

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

Did I forget to mention I'm pregnant with Brad's lovechild?


HA! You make it too easy ;) Seriously, you're right. A year is nothing. Plus, I could try and get my Broadway groove on while I was there. And freeze my tuckus off!

I'm really really looking forward to being home in March/April. Even though it's like, 3 months away. Silly, huh?

Re: Discussing my vote

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

Not silly :) Totally understandable! Still, I would say live in the moment more... you already know you're going to go back to the US soon, dwelling on it is not going to make it happen any sooner :) Enjoy your time in DRC while you still have it! It's quite possible you may never come back :)

Re: Discussing my vote

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

I feel slightly defensive, but just cause I've gotta say that most of the time, I'm not dwelling on this outside of in-cyberspace :)

And I'm definitely not planning on coming home early. I'd never *EVER* do that - I'd never forgive myself, and wow, just no :P

Sorry, just had to clarify!

Re: Discussing my vote

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

No, no, that's not what I meant. I meant, you may mentally spend half your time thinking about and pining over home if you feel homesick, thinking about the trip back home in March, that you may not put your whole self into your current experience. That's all I meant. And I describe this from personal experience, and the tinge of regret felt later. That's all. But if you don't feel homesick outside your time in cyberspace, ignore what I say altogether...

Re: Discussing my vote

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

Ohh, okay *enlightened*

And if I'm honest, it's a little more time than just cyberspace *grin*

But it's not the bulk of my time... I got my period today, which I think, at least for me, explains a lot of my angst. Sleeping more is definitely in order, and maybe eating something other than apples and ramen :D

Your support on this all, btw, has just been kickass and totally invaluable

Re: Discussing my vote

[gatsbys-regret.livejournal.com]

Personally, I find gatsbys_regret's enthusiasm for grad school proof that he needs a life.

Re: Discussing my vote

[drdelirium.livejournal.com]

Meh! :P You can't fool me; you're passionate about academia and LOVE it! I imagine so many people live their lives without the kind of passion you have, and so I'll keep drawing inspiration from it, thankyouverymuch ;)

Re: Discussing my vote

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

Like we need additional proof?

Commenting on a couple of things...

[insheepsclothng.livejournal.com]

I don't know about life-stuff in general, that's very personal to you... But career-wire:

Definitely finish your undergrad - that stupid little piece of paper makes a big difference. Whether you do it here or in NYC, full-time or part-time while working, it will open up doors for you that you may not even be considering now. Plus, it gives you another year or so to explore options and decide what you want to do afterwards. Not to mention college = an end to isolation, wherever you live.

Web design is not as deep a field as bio/primatology, so you can always take classes a la carte or just study on your own. And web design jobs also don't require degrees, just good portfolios, which you're building.

Re: Commenting on a couple of things...

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

You're very right. I think I'll plan to go back in September 2007 so that it's something to plan for -- I really do need some time at "home" (MD) before I go flitting off again.

But yea, I feel like a loser now, being a dropout. I'd really like to meet Richard Wrangham again and not have to confess my failings :P

[franklymydear.livejournal.com]

What about advertising design or PR work for an environmental organization that supports primates?

Usually if you need any kind of scientific background for that, it's in environmental studies, which is a lot easier!

[amalthya.livejournal.com]

The likelihood of finding such a specialized job, AND without a college degree, might be tough. But it is something that I'm subconsciously aiming for.

I can always take design classes on the side.

[puckylunk.livejournal.com]

Columbia seems the easiest way to finish undergrad, and I really think that's a good goal to have. After that, you can do whatever you want. Vet school? Graphic design? Whatever.

Honestly, I think abandoning the entertainment of ideas of design is a good idea. You could get a certificate or something for the hell of it, but I wouldn't suggest pursuing it as a CAREER. I don't see it being that rewarding for you. It's a good path because you've got a natural talent for it, but is it really something you'll be happy with? Don't be afraid to challenge yourself.

Funny the talk of loneliness. I seem to think you've already beaten it, or are well on your way. Can you really be afraid of being alone after your experiences thusfar? You went to Africa alone, and you have made companions everywhere you've gone. I don't know how you truly feel for those people, but you have at LEAST proven to yourself that you are capable of connecting with people. Perhaps you haven't yet found as deep of a connection as you hope for, but such things are rare regardless of where you are and what languages everyone is speaking.

I don't think requesting advice is bad. One way I make decisions is to have someone tell me which of the options to follow. Not asking for suggestions, but telling them to tell me what to do. If I do it, it's because I wanted to. If I would have chosen something else, rebellion kicks in IMMEDIATELY. It's funny, but it really forces my mind into action.

I really only have two pieces of advice for you.
1. Get an undergrad degree, at least. Then think about grad school. I make a really good living for someone who flunked out of college, and having walked this road myself, I wouldn't really recommend it. It's been nearly a decade since I've taken any classes, and I really regret not finishing in the first place. I'm looking into a return myself.

2. Continue on your independent road. You will find men to follow, but do not follow them. You will find women to follow, but do not follow them. You will find Love, and when that happens, well, you better make damn sure it's really Love. And even then, don't follow it. Nor should you ask these things to follow you. If you are going together in the same direction, to the same place, then that's wonderful.

More in email. :) (as if this isn't already too long)