amalthya: (forsaken me)

 I wanted to specifically thank everyone who commented on my last entry.  Not only was it nice to know that I still had friends that care, but that other people who've made the reverse culture shock transition have gone through the same thing was somehow comforting.

Things have felt like drudgery, but since airing them out, I've at least felt more at peace. I got a LOT of work done over the weekend (though nowhere near what I wanted to/needed to get done) and arrived at class this morning, bright and early for the 8am-ness, only to discover that it was cancelled.

But I took it well, and since I aired out my strife, I've been handling the bumps a little better.

Some of my funny/previously stress-inducing vignettes:

On the train ride down to Maryland, in the packed train I sat down next to a lonely bag. I figured its owner was in the toilet, or on line at the cafe car.  I didn't become alarmed until the train had already made its first stop in New Jersey, but when the Jerseyans entered the train, I let them know that the seat was, to my knowledge, taken.

This guy in the seat in front of me turned around and said "Stop lying you cunt! Just move your fucking bag and let him sit down"

Oooch!  Seriously? I explained to him that it really wasn't my bag, and that I presumed someone to be sitting there, but the jock-face who was standing in the aisle moved the bag into the overhead and sat down.  He was cranky too, complaining loudly to his (?) girlfriend on the phone that he was sitting "next to some bitch whose stuff was everywhere."

I tapped him on the shoulder and explained that No, really, it wasn't my bag, but he just got all huffy that I was "eavesdropping"

Finally, the conductor came by and I let him know about the bomb bag that had been in the seat next to me. He checked it, and saw that it was a crewmember's bag.  The crewmember, a "sassy" woman came over and started to sass me when she thought I'd moved her bag.

But of course, I sold out the jerks sitting in front of me and next to me.  And did she let them HAVE it!  The other conductor started yelling at the guy next to me, saying that had the bag been a bomb, he would have endangered us all!

I felt very vindicated.

Also, I did not lose my wallet again.

On Saturday, I tried to boot up the newly-hard-drived laptop that I'd picked up at the Apple Store on Friday.  The machine seemed to be working sort of okay on the train ride down.  But on Saturday, it seemed to have forgotten that it HAD a hard drive.

Calls to Apple Technical Support were fruitless.  (Remember when Apple had really great customer service and people in tech support who weren't just reading from a manual in an indiscernable accent?)

I called the store directly, looking for the guy who'd helped me before and who told me to call him if anything else went wrong.  After having to pseudo-fight with the girl on the phone that insisted that Geniuses Were Not Allowed to Use the Phone, she put the guy on the phone, and he asked me nicely to come back to the Apple Store, and that this time they were going to replace my motherboard.

Why didn't they do that the last time, instead of just band-aiding it with another hard drive?  Who really knows, but I made a point of saying that I have enough shit to do without having to pitch a tent in the Apple Store and live there indefinitely while they try every option that is not d) Replacing my Computer with one that actually works.

But I still laughed about it.  My art was appreciated, too, but I didn't get to make any more:

                                 
Fat Brown Bear                                                                   Fat Purple Dragon


Yes, they're both fat.  And it makes them cuter.

I'm talking with the Chem Lab techs tonight.  And, despite class being cancelled, I showed up at Swahili this morning ontime and with all of the work prepared and finished.

I also had an interview for an AWESOME internship that reinvigorated my faith in myself on Friday, as a genetics tech at the Museum of Natural History, studying changing genetic fitness in arctic mammals as a result of global warming. I think I nailed the interview, so we'll hope that that pans out.

Never can have too many good things on your resume.

Gotta go up front.

amalthya: (bad day)
 I'm not usually the first one to admit.  I'd rather internalize it to the point of levels of anxiety so high I give myself a rash (see entries of last year).

But man, things have been TOUGH.  

It didn't just start with last week, when I lost my wallet on an Amtrak train.  Technicolor Orange 70s Amtrak Seats + Orange Wallet == No Wallet.  I still haven't gotten replacement cards in the mail, which means my accounts are frozen.  So, I have no money.  And no credit cards.  

I had to CRY to get a new Columbia ID so I could go to work (can't get into the building without it).  It costs $20, and they seemed not to grasp the fact that no wallet == no $20. 

The toughness didn't start two weeks ago either when my laptop's hard drive died... again... in the span of 5 weeks.  Not only did the genius refuse to believe me at first when I said it was hard drive problems, but this is the SAME problem that happened with a DIFFERENT hard drive (same laptop) in the middle of December.  They've just put (another) new hard drive in, and in my fear of putting everything back on there only to lose everything again has dissuaded me from going to pick it up. 

The start of the toughness wasn't in the middle of January either, when my closing was moved a week later than previously scheduled, though the first closing date was already two weeks later than I wanted it.  It meant that I had to move in RIGHT before school restarted, giving me almost no time at all to unpack and settle in before I was expected to "produce".

If I'm honest, the toughness has been happening, and growing, and building, and starting its 401K for a long time. Probably since I came back to the States forever ago, and tried to start up a normal life again.

Is this something that's even possible?  Why is it that I found living an "extraordinary" life so easy and brilliant and exciting and yet still I am failing miserably at living this "plebeian" life?  

Does having no motivation for school mean that I have no motivation (or talent) to be a good veterinarian?  

I've never felt so much self-doubt,  or fear, or fear of purpose, or cynicism in my life.  It's like one is convinced through years of movie watching that things are supposed to be a certain way.  That you have A, and all the oppositions and hardships facing the completion of A, and then, miraculously, C!  Triumphing over the hardships of A! 

In other words, if Phase 1 is "Collect Underpants," how DOES ONE MAKE A PROFIT?

I pride myself on being self-sufficient and capable of anything. I don't get sick that often, I don't use my failures as some sort of crutch or as an excuse for why I can't perform.  Any obstacle I "should" be able to overcome.

But I've admitted to myself, this semester, this year, this time, that I'm failing.  It's beyond my control at this point, because I resolutely said to myself at the beginning of this semester:

You will NOT skip classes, and not do work, and be unmotivated.

And yet still, here I am, behind, overwhelmed, overworked and feeling like I don't need any help undermining myself, because I'm doing such a bangup job of it myself.

Things will not pan out on their own.  C will not fall into my lap (ie I will not get into veterinary school if I cannot will myself to do better in school).  I am the master of my own destiny, but that thought alone is the most depressing of all at this point.  Because if my life does not meet my own expectations, it's not ONLY MY FAULT, but it's practically expected.  If everyone lived out their dreams and their passions, no one would be sweeping the floors, right?


I went to the Center for Psychological Services on campus to see if I could see someone about trying to find practical solutions to get me back on track.  They have this ridiculously long process of an appointment for a phone interview, then an appointment for a person interview, and all the while I believed that it would lead into some sort of tangible, helpful therapy.

I saw the woman yesterday, and she dredged up a bunch of unpleasant memories while I, difficultly, acknowledged that I had lost control of the situation and wasn't sure what to do.

And then, she did nothing. She referred me to someone else, outside of the CPS network, and sent me on my way.

Further proof to me that I only have myself to rely on, really.  

But really, I'm just tired of feeling like a failure.  If I was taking a Self-Doubt class, I'd be getting an A.  But everything else?  

I got a small beacon of hope today when [profile] noranac and [profile] celestialmartyr agreed to come and drive my remaining stuff from my old place to my new place. 

I'm not completely alone, but with regard to going forward?  I don't know if I can do it.

And with that, work ends, and it's time for me to go to class


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amalthya

November 2009

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