I'm not usually the first one to admit. I'd rather internalize it to the point of levels of anxiety so high I give myself a rash (see entries of last year).
But man, things have been TOUGH.
It didn't just start with last week, when I lost my wallet on an Amtrak train. Technicolor Orange 70s Amtrak Seats + Orange Wallet == No Wallet. I still haven't gotten replacement cards in the mail, which means my accounts are frozen. So, I have no money. And no credit cards.
I had to CRY to get a new Columbia ID so I could go to work (can't get into the building without it). It costs $20, and they seemed not to grasp the fact that no wallet == no $20.
The toughness didn't start two weeks ago either when my laptop's hard drive died... again... in the span of 5 weeks. Not only did the genius refuse to believe me at first when I said it was hard drive problems, but this is the SAME problem that happened with a DIFFERENT hard drive (same laptop) in the middle of December. They've just put (another) new hard drive in, and in my fear of putting everything back on there only to lose everything again has dissuaded me from going to pick it up.
The start of the toughness wasn't in the middle of January either, when my closing was moved a week later than previously scheduled, though the first closing date was already two weeks later than I wanted it. It meant that I had to move in RIGHT before school restarted, giving me almost no time at all to unpack and settle in before I was expected to "produce".
If I'm honest, the toughness has been happening, and growing, and building, and starting its 401K for a long time. Probably since I came back to the States forever ago, and tried to start up a normal life again.
Is this something that's even possible? Why is it that I found living an "extraordinary" life so easy and brilliant and exciting and yet still I am failing miserably at living this "plebeian" life?
Does having no motivation for school mean that I have no motivation (or talent) to be a good veterinarian?
I've never felt so much self-doubt, or fear, or fear of purpose, or cynicism in my life. It's like one is convinced through years of movie watching that things are supposed to be a certain way. That you have A, and all the oppositions and hardships facing the completion of A, and then, miraculously, C! Triumphing over the hardships of A!
In other words, if Phase 1 is "Collect Underpants," how DOES
ONE MAKE A PROFIT?
I pride myself on being self-sufficient and capable of anything. I don't get sick that often, I don't use my failures as some sort of crutch or as an excuse for why I can't perform. Any obstacle I "should" be able to overcome.
But I've admitted to myself, this semester, this year, this time, that I'm failing. It's beyond my control at this point, because I resolutely said to myself at the beginning of this semester:
You will NOT skip classes, and not do work, and be unmotivated.
And yet still, here I am, behind, overwhelmed, overworked and feeling like I don't need any help undermining myself, because I'm doing such a bangup job of it myself.
Things will not pan out on their own. C will not fall into my lap (ie I will not get into veterinary school if I cannot will myself to do better in school). I am the master of my own destiny, but that thought alone is the most depressing of all at this point. Because if my life does not meet my own expectations, it's not ONLY MY FAULT
, but it's practically expected
. If everyone lived out their dreams and their passions, no one would be sweeping the floors, right?
I went to the Center for Psychological Services on campus to see if I could see someone about trying to find practical solutions to get me back on track. They have this ridiculously long process of an appointment for a phone interview, then an appointment for a person interview, and all the while I believed that it would lead into some sort of tangible, helpful therapy.
I saw the woman yesterday, and she dredged up a bunch of unpleasant memories while I, difficultly, acknowledged that I had lost control of the situation and wasn't sure what to do.
And then, she did nothing. She referred me to someone else, outside of the CPS network, and sent me on my way.
Further proof to me that I only have myself to rely on, really.
But really, I'm just tired of feeling like a failure. If I was taking a Self-Doubt class, I'd be getting an A. But everything else?
I got a small beacon of hope today when noranac
agreed to come and drive my remaining stuff from my old place to my new place.
I'm not completely alone, but with regard to going forward? I don't know if I can do it.
And with that, work ends, and it's time for me to go to class